Title: Crucial Conversations
Tags: crucialconversations selfhelp

Front: if you want to succeed in a crucial conversation, what is the one thing you have to do?
Back: get all the relevant information (from yourself and others) out into the open

Front: what is the first principle of dialogue?
Back: Start with Heart

Front: what two things do we need to do to implement Start with Heart?
Back: beginning with the right motives and staying focused no matter what happens

Front: what should we remember to ask ourselves in difficult conversations?
Back: "What do I really want here?"

Front: how do our motives usually change in crucial conversations?
Back: without any conscious thought on our part

Front: how can we figure out what our motives have shifted to?
Back: asking ourselves "What am I doing, and if I had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motive?"

Front: once you call into question the shifting desires of your heart, what can you do?
Back: make conscious choices to change them

Front: what is a series of three questions you can ask yourself to refocus on what is important?
Back: What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I really want for the relationship?

Front: once you've clarified what you want, what should you ask yourself?
Back: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

Front: what does asking ourselves a demanding question do to our brain?
Back: sends blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight

Front: what are three common not-all-that-healthy objectives in crucial conversations?
Back: wanting to win, seeking revenge, and hoping to remain safe

Front: what is a Sucker's Choice?
Back: suggesting that we're caught between to distasteful options in order to justify an especially sordid behavior

Front: how does a Sucker's Choice affect the brain?
Back: it presents it with problems easily solved with restricted blood flow, so we don't end up thinking creatively

Front: how do we refuse the Sucker's Choice?
Back: by presenting ourselves with tougher questions that turn the either/or choice into an and question

Front: what are the three steps for transforming a Sucker's Choice?
Back: clarify what you really want, clarify what you really don't want, and present your brain with a more complex problem

Front: what are three ways we can notice that a conversation is crucial?
Back: physical signals, emotions, and behaviors

Front: what allows people to say anything?
Back: feeling safe

Front: what starts to happen to us when we feel unsafe in conversation?
Back: we start to go blind

Front: how should we recode silence and violence?
Back: as signs that the other person feels unsafe

Front: what are the three most common forms of silence in conversation?
Back: masking, avoiding, and withdrawing

Front: what is masking?
Back: understating or selectively showing our true opinions

Front: what are some examples of masking?
Back: sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching

Front: what is avoiding?
Back: steering completely away from sensitive subjects

Front: what is withdrawing?
Back: pulling out alltogether--leaving the conversation or the room

Front: what is violence in conversation?
Back: any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view

Front: how does violence violate saftey?
Back: by trying to force meaning into the pool

Front: what are the three most common forms of violence in conversation?
Back: controlling, labeling, and attacking

Front: what is controlling in conversation?
Back: coercing others to your way of thinking

Front: Methods of controlling include [...], overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the convesation.
Back: Methods of controlling include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the convesation.

Front: Methods of controlling include cutting others off, [...], speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the convesation.
Back: Methods of controlling include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the convesation.

Front: Methods of controlling include cutting others off, overstating your facts, [...], changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the convesation.
Back: Methods of controlling include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the convesation.

Front: Methods of controlling include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, [...], or using directive questions to control the convesation.
Back: Methods of controlling include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the convesation.

Front: Methods of controlling include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or [...].
Back: Methods of controlling include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the convesation.

Front: what is labeling?
Back: putting a label on ideas or people so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category

Front: what is attacking?
Back: moving from winning the argument to making the person suffer

Front: what are two attacking tactics? (other than controlling and labeling)
Back: belittling and threatening

Front: what do the worst at dialogue do when things get unsafe?
Back: they ignore the crying need for more saftey

Front: what do the good at dialogue do when things get unsafe?
Back: they realize that safety is at risk and try to fix it in the wrong way--by sugarcoating or watering down their message

Front: what do the best at dialogue do when things get unsafe?
Back: they step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, then step back in

Front: what is the first step to building more safety?
Back: understanding which of the two conditions of safety is at risk

Front: what are the two conditions of safety?
Back: mutual purpose and mutual respect

Front: what is mutual purpose?
Back: that others perceive that we are working towards a common outcome in the conversation

Front: Crucial converstions often go awry not because of [...], but because others believe that the painful and pointed content means that you have malicious intent.
Back: Crucial converstions often go awry not because of the content of the conversation, but because others believe that the painful and pointed content means that you have malicious intent.

Front: Crucial converstions often go awry not because of the content of the conversation, but because others believe that [...].
Back: Crucial converstions often go awry not because of the content of the conversation, but because others believe that the painful and pointed content means that you have malicious intent.

Front: what is the entry condition of dialogue?
Back: Mutual Purpose

Front: what are two questions to help determine if Mutual Purpose is at risk?
Back: Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?
Do they trust my motives?

Front: in order to succeed, how do we have to be using Mutual Purpose?
Back: sincerely--not as a technique

Front: what is the continuance condition of dialogue?
Back: Mutual Respect

Front: what happens inside when people feel disrespected?
Back: their emotions become highly charged and they turn from fear to anger

Front: what question do we ask to determine when Mutual Respect is at risk?
Back: Do others believe I respect them?

Front: Feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on [...].
Back: Feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves.

Front: how can we counteract feelings of disrespect?
Back: looking for ways we are similar to people

Front: what are three skills for rebuilding Mutual Respect and Mutual Purpose?
Back: Apologize, Contrast, and CRIB

Front: what should you do when you've made a mistake that has hurt others?
Back: start with an apology

Front: what is an apology?
Back: a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing--or at least not preventing--pain or difficulty to others

Front: for your apology to be sincere, what has to happen?
Back: your motives have to change

Front: if apologizing has helped restore safety, what can you do?
Back: explain the details of what happened

Front: if apologizing has not restored safety, what do you need to do?
Back: use a more advanced technique

Front: Sometimes others [...] during crucial conversations even though we haven't done anything disrespectful.
Back: Sometimes others feel disrespected during crucial conversations even though we haven't done anything disrespectful.

Front: Sometimes others feel disrespected during crucial conversations even though [...].
Back: Sometimes others feel disrespected during crucial conversations even though we haven't done anything disrespectful.

Front: when others misinterpret either your purpose or your intent, what should you do?
Back: step out of the argument and rebuild safety by Contrasting

Front: what is Contrasting?
Back: a don't/do statement

Front: what does the don't statement of Contrasting do?
Back: addresses others' concerns that you don't respect them or that you have a malicious purpose

Front: what does the do statement of Contrasting do?
Back: confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose

Front: after you've addressed the threat to safety by contrasting, what can you do?
Back: revisit the issue itself

Front: which is the more important part of Contrasting?
Back: the don't part

Front: why is the don't part of Contrasting more important?
Back: because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk

Front: Contrasting is not [...].
Back: Contrasting is not apologizing.

Front: what is Contrasting a way of ensuring?
Back: that what we said didn't hurt more than it should have

Front: what two things does Contrasting provide?
Back: context and proportion

Front: in a touchy conversation, how do others sometimes hear what we're saying?
Back: as bigger or worse than we intend

Front: what should we do when we are tempted to water down what we said?
Back: Contrast to clarify

Front: what are the two uses of Contrasting?
Back: prevention and first aid

Front: when we're aware that something we're about to drop in the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, what can we do?
Back: use Contrasting to bolster safety

Front: when we are debating because we clearly have different purposes, what can we do?
Back: CRIB

Front: what do the worst at dialogue do when there is no mutual purpose?
Back: either ignore the problem and push ahead or roll over and let others have their way (competition or submission)

Front: what is wrong with competition and submission?
Back: both strategies end up making winners and losers and the problem continues long beyond the initial conversation

Front: what do the GOOD at dialogue do when there is no mutual purpose?
Back: move immediately toward compromise

Front: what is wrong with compromise?
Back: it's likely that no one will really want the arrangment

Front: what do the best at dialogue do when there is no mutual purpose? (acronym)
Back: use the four skills that have the acronym CRIB

Front: what is the C in CRIB?
Back: Commit to seek Mutual Purpose

Front: what does it mean to Commit to seek Mutual Purpose?
Back: agree to agree--commit to stay in the conversation until we come up with a purpose that serves a purpose we both share

Front: to stop arguing, what do we have to give up?
Back: our belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one and open our mind to the fact that maybe there is a different choice that suits everyone

Front: even if our partner seems committed to winning, what must we be willing to do to Commit to seek Mutual Purpose?
Back: verbalize our commitment to find mutual purpose

Front: what can we say to Commit to finding a Mutual Purpose?
Back: "It seems like we're both trying to force our view.  I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution both of us are happy with."

Front: what is the R in CRIB?
Back: Recognize the Purpose behind the Strategy

Front: what is the problem that makes it seem like we'll never find a solution that both people are okay with?
Back: we equate what we're asking for with what we want

Front: what is what we're asking for?
Back: a strategy we're suggesting to get what we want

Front: what can we ask others to break the impasse of focusing on strategies?
Back: asking others "Why do you want that?"

Front: what do you need to do when you find out that your genuine wants and goals cannot be served except at the expense of the other person's?
Back: you cannot discover a Mutual Purpose, so you invent one

Front: how do you invent a Mutual Purpose?
Back: move to more encompassing (higher and longer-term) goals

Front: what is the B in CRIB?
Back: Brainstorm New Strategies

Front: how should we brainstorm?
Back: suspend judgement and think outside of the box for new alternatives

Front: what do you need to jointly come up with a mutually acceptable option by brainstorming?
Back: creativity

Front: what should we think about before a crucial conversation?
Back: which skills will help us the most

Front: what should we do when we have a tough message to share or we are so convinced of our rightness that we may push too hard?
Back: STATE your path

Front: what is the S in STATE
Back: Share your facts

Front: what are facts like that makes them a good place to start?
Back: the least contraversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action

Front: what is the first T in STATE
Back: Tell your story

Front: what does it mean to Tell your story?
Back: explain what you're beginning to conclude

Front: what is the A in STATE?
Back: Ask for others' paths

Front: what does it mean to Ask for others' paths?
Back: encourage others to share their facts and their stories

Front: what is the second T in STATE
Back: Talk tentatively

Front: what does it mean to Talk tentatively?
Back: state your story as a story--don't disguise it as a fact

Front: what is the E in STATE
Back: Encourage testing

Front: what does it mean to Encourage testing?
Back: make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views

Front: what technique can we use to make others more likely to open up and share their Path to Action (instead of using silence or violence)?
Back: Explore Others' Paths

Front: Claim One about emotions
Back: Emotions don't settle upon you like a fog.  They are not foisted upon you by others.  No matter how comfortable it might make you feel saying it--others don't make you mad.  You make you mad.  You and only you create your emotions.

Front: Claim Two about emotions
Back: Once you're created your emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them.  That is, when it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.

Front: how do the worst at dialogue think about their emotions?
Back: They assume that their emotions and behavior are the only right and reasonable reactions under the circumstances.  They're convinced that anyone in their place would feel the same way.  They think they are justified, accurate, and the only valid response.

Front: where do the worst at dialogue think their emotions come from?
Back: they think other people cause them

Front: what do the worst at dialogue try to do to their emotions?
Back: they make no effort to change or even question them

Front: how do the good at dialogue think about their emotions?
Back: they realize that if they don't control their emotions, matters will get worse

Front: how do the good at dialogue try to deal with their emotions
Back: they fake it, choke back their reactions, and try to get back to dialogue

Front: what is the problem with trying to choke down our reactions?
Back: when we hit a rough spot in cruicial conversations, our suppressed emotions will come out of hiding and kill dialogue

Front: how do the best at dialogue deal with their emotions?
Back: they act on their emotions, that is they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out

Front: what is the intermediate step between what others do and how we feel?
Back: just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story

Front: what three things do we add to facts to make them stories?
Back: meaning, motive, and judgment

Front: why should the intermediate step of telling ourselves a story give us hope?
Back: since we and only we are telling the story, we can take control of our emotions by telling a different story

Front: how can we master our emotions and therefore our crucial conversations?
Back: by finding a way to control the stories we tell by rethinking or retelling them

Front: what are the four elements of the Path to Action
Back: See/Hear -> Tell a Story -> Feel -> Act

Front: what questions about what's going on do our stories answer?
Back: the why, how, and what of what's going on

Front: what's an example of a why that a story answers?
Back: "Why does Louis take over?  He doesn't trust my ability to communicate.  He thinks because I'm a woman, people won't listen to me."

Front: what's an example of a how that a story answers?
Back: "How am I supposed to judge all of this?  Is this a good or a bad thing?  Louis thinks I'm incompetent, and this is bad."

Front: what's an example of a what that a story answers?
Back: "What should I do about all of this?  If I say something, he'll think I'm a whiner or oversensitive or militant, so it's best to clam up."

Front: Of course, as we [...], it isn't long until our body repsonds with strong feelings or emotions--they're directly linked to our judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, kind/selfish, fair/unfair, etc.
Back: Of cours, as we come up with our own meaning or stories, it isn't long until our body repsonds with strong feelings or emotions--they're directly linked to our judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, kind/selfish, fair/unfair, etc.

Front: Of course, as we come up with our own meaning or stories, it isn't long until our body repsonds with [...]--they're directly linked to our judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, kind/selfish, fair/unfair, etc.
Back: Of cours, as we come up with our own meaning or stories, it isn't long until our body repsonds with strong feelings or emotions--they're directly linked to our judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, kind/selfish, fair/unfair, etc.

Front: Of course, as we come up with our own meaning or stories, it isn't long until our body repsonds with strong feelings or emotions--they're directly linked to [...].
Back: Of cours, as we come up with our own meaning or stories, it isn't long until our body repsonds with strong feelings or emotions--they're directly linked to our judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, kind/selfish, fair/unfair, etc.

Front: how do people respond when they are taught that it's our stories that drive our emotions and not other people's actions?
Back: they say that they don't notice telling themselves stories

Front: how does storytelling happen?
Back: blindingly fast

Front: crucial conversations: Any set of facts can be used to [...].
Back: Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories.

Front: once they're told, what do our stories do?
Back: control us

Front: Until we [...], we cannot break the loop.
Back: Until we tell different stories, we cannot break the loop.

Front: Until we tell different stories, we cannot [...].
Back: Until we tell different stories, we cannot break the loop.

Front: If you want [...], change the stories you tell yourself--even while you're in the middle of the fray.
Back: If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself--even while you're in the middle of the fray.

Front: If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, [...]--even while you're in the middle of the fray.
Back: If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself--even while you're in the middle of the fray.

Front: If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself--even [...].
Back: If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself--even while you're in the middle of the fray.

Front: what is the most effective way to START TO come up with different stories?
Back: slow down and take charge of your Path to Action

Front: how do you retrace the Act part of your story
Back: Notice your behavior.  Ask: Am I in some sort of silence or violence?

Front: Parts of your story to retrace:
1. [...]
Back: Parts of your story to retrace:
1. Act

Front: Parts of your story to retrace:
1. Act
2. [...]
Back: Parts of your story to retrace:
1. Act
2. Feel

Front: Parts of your story to retrace:
1. Act
2. Feel
3. [...]
Back: Parts of your story to retrace:
1. Act
2. Feel
3. Tell story

Front: Parts of your story to retrace:
1. Act
2. Feel
3. Tell story
4. [...]
Back: Parts of your story to retrace:
1. Act
2. Feel
3. Tell story
4. See/hear

Front: how do you retrace the Feel part of your story?
Back: Get in touch with your feelings.  What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?

Front: how do you retrace the Tell story part of your story?
Back: Analyze your stories.  What story is creating this emotion?

Front: how do you retrace the See/hear part of your story?
Back: Get back to the facts.  What evidence do I have to support this story?

Front: By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to [...] any one or more of the elements.
Back: By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any one or more of the elements.

Front: By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change [...].
Back: By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any one or more of the elements.

Front: when should you retrace your path?
Back: if you Learn to Look and notice yourself slipping into silence or violence

Front: how can you help yourself look at the consequences of an unhelpful story that is driving you to silence or violence more objectively?
Back: stop and consider how others would see your actions

Front: Not only do those who are best at crucial conversations notice when they're slipping into silence or violence, but they [...].
Back: Not only do those who are best at crucial conversations notice when they're slipping into silence or violence, but they are also able to admit it.

Front: Identifying your emotions is [...] than you might imagine.
Back: Identifying your emotions is more difficult than you might imagine.

Front: [...] helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why. (not empathy)
Back: Knowing what you're really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why.

Front: Knowing what you're really feeling helps you [...].
Back: Knowing what you're really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why.

Front: Once you've identified what you're feeling, you have to stop and ask, [...]?
Back: Once you've identified what you're feeling, you have to stop and ask, given the circumstances, is this the right feeling?

Front: what question is equivalent to asking if you're feeling the right feeling?
Back: are you telling the right story

Front: what is the first step to regaining emotional control?
Back: challenging the illusion that what you're feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances

Front: Sometimes you [...] because you see them as immutable facts.
Back: Sometimes you fail to question your stories because you see them as immutable facts.

Front: Sometimes you fail to question your stories because you [...].
Back: Sometimes you fail to question your stories because you see them as immutable facts.

Front: when you generate stories in the blink of an eye, what can they feel like?
Back: like facts

Front: what are two questions to distinguish facts?
Back: Can you see or hear this thing you're caling a fact?  Was it an actual behavior?

Front: how do different people see facts?
Back: they would make the same observations

Front: what do conclusions explain and what do they not explain?
Back: they explain what you think, not what the other person did

Front: classify: "Louis gave 95 percent of the presentation and answered all but one question."
Back: fact

Front: fact or conclusion: "He doesn't trust me."
Back: conclusion

Front: what is a tip about what to look out for for not confusing story with fact?
Back: watch for "hot" words

Front: what do "hot" words express?
Back: judgments and attributions that, in turn, create strong emotions

Front: convert from "hot word" to fact: "She scowled at me."
Back: "Her eyes pinched shut and her lips tightened."

Front: convert from "hot word" to fact: Louis was controlling and didn't respect her.
Back: he talked a lot and met with the boss one-on-one

Front: crucial conversations: what do less volatile descriptions allow for?
Back: any number of interpretations

Front: what are two characteristics of the good type of story?
Back: completely accurate and propels us in healthy directions

Front: what's the bad type of story?
Back: quite inaccurate and justifies our current behavior--making us feel good about ourselves and calling for no need to change

Front: We [...] in conversation, and then we come up with a perfectly plausible reason for why it's okay.
Back: We move to silence or violence in conversation, and then we come up with a perfectly plausible reason for why it's okay.

Front: We move to silence or violence, and then [...].
Back: We move to silence or violence, and then we come up with a perfectly plausible reason for why it's okay.

Front: what do we call imaginitive and self-serving concoctions about why what we're doing is okay?
Back: "clever stories"

Front: why are clever stories clever?
Back: they allow us to feel good about behaving badly while achieving abysmal results

Front: what are the three most common types of clever stories?
Back: Victim Stories, Villain Stories, and Helpless Stories

Front: what's the tagline for Victim Stories?
Back: "It's Not My Fault"

Front: what's the tagline for Villain Stories?
Back: "It's All Your Fault"

Front: what's the tagline for Helpless Stories?
Back: "There's Nothing Else I Can Do"

Front: how do Victim Stories make us out?
Back: to be innocent sufferers

Front: what is the theme (not tagline) of a Victim Story?
Back: The other person is bad and wrong, and we are good and right.  Other people do bad things, and we suffer as a result.

Front: is there such a thing as an innocent victim?
Back: yes

Front: what is an example of an innocent victim?
Back: someone who is stopped in the street and held up at gunpoint

Front: what is a real innocent victim? (description not example)
Back: a sad fact, not a story

Front: When you tell a Victim Story, you [...].
Back: When you tell a Victim Story, you ignore the role you played in the problem.

Front: to help support your Victim Story, what do you speak of?
Back: your noble motives

Front: in a Victim Story, what do you tell yourself that you are being punished for?
Back: your virtues, not your vices

Front: We create Villain Stories by turning [...].
Back: We create Villain Stories by turning normal, decent human beings into villains.

Front: in a Villain story, how do we see our own innocence?
Back: we exaggerate it

Front: in a Villain story, how do we see the other person's guilt?
Back: we overemphasize it

Front: what do we ignore in a Villain Story?
Back: any good or neutral intentions the other person might have

Front: what is a common device in Villain Stories?
Back: labeling

Front: Not only do Villain stories [...], but they also set us up to then do whatever we want to the "villains".
Back: Not only do Villain stories help us blame others for bad results, but they also set us up to then do whatever we want to the "villains".

Front: Not only do Villain stories help us blame others for bad results, but they also set us up to [...].
Back: Not only do Villain stories help us blame others for bad results, but they also set us up to then do whatever we want to the "villains".

Front: when we make mistakes, what do we do?
Back: we tell a Victim Story by claiming our intentions were innocent and pure

Front: when others do things that hurt us, what do we do?
Back: tell Villain Stories in which we invent terrible motives for others based on how their actions affected us

Front: how do we make ourselves out to be in Helpless Stories?
Back: powerless to do anything

Front: what do we convince ourselves of with Helpless Stories?
Back: that there are no healthy alternatives for dealing with our predicament

Front: what is the purpose of convincing ourselves that there are no healthy alternatives for dealing with our predicament?
Back: it justifies the action we're about to take

Front: classify: "If I didn't yell at my son, he wouldn't listen."
Back: Helpless Story

Front: classify: "If I told my husband this, he would just be defensive."
Back: Helpless Story

Front: what is the difference between Villain/Victim Stories and Helpless Stories?
Back: Villain and Victim Stories look back to explain why we're in the situation we're in, Helpless Stories look forward to explain why we can't do anything to change our situation.

Front: It's particularly easy to [...] when we turn others' behavior into fixed and unchangeable traits.
Back: It's particularly easy to act helpless when we turn others' behavior into fixed and unchangeable traits.

Front: It's particularly easy to act helpless when we [...].
Back: It's particularly easy to act helpless when we turn others' behavior into fixed and unchangeable traits.

Front: classify type of story: our boss is a "control freak"
Back: Villain Story

Front: classify: control freaks like him don't accept feedback
Back: Helpless Story

Front: where do Helpless Stories often stem from?
Back: Villain Stories

Front: what actions do Helpless Stories often offer?
Back: Sucker's Choices

Front: what are the two reasons we tell clever stories?
Back: either that they're true or that they get us off the hook

Front: more often than not, when do our conclusions transform from reasonable explanations to clever stories?
Back: when they conveniently excuse us from any responsibility--when in reality, we have been partially responsible

Front: Once [...], we can even insult and abuse them if we want.
Back: Once we've demonized others, we can even insult and abuse them if we want.

Front: Once we've demonized others, we can even [...].
Back: Once we've demonized others, we can even insult and abuse them if we want.

Front: Clever stories keep us from acknowledging [...].
Back: Clever stories keep us from acknowledging our own sellouts.

Front: when do we start telling clever stories?
Back: when we've done something that we feel a need to justify

Front: what does it mean to sell out?
Back: to consciously act against our own sense of what's right

Front: after we've sold out, what are our two choices?
Back: own up to our sellout, or try to justify it

Front: what comes first, the story or the sellout?
Back: the sellout

Front: Your spouse's annoying habit didn't become a source of resentment until [...].
Back: Your spouse's annoying habit didn't become a source of resentment until you became part of the problem.

Front: how do sellouts often look?
Back: so small that they're easy for us to overlook when we're crafting our clever stories

Front: how big does a sellout have to be for us to start telling ourselves clever stories?
Back: they can be small

Front: what is the final Master My Stories skill?
Back: Tell the Rest of the Story

Front: what should we do when we find ourselves telling clever stories?
Back: stop, and then do what it takes to tell a useful story

Front: what does a useful story do?
Back: creates emotions that lead to healthy action--such as dialogue

Front: what transforms a clever story into a useful one?
Back: the rest of the story

Front: what characteristic do clever stories have in common?
Back: they're incomplete

Front: what three transformations are the best way to fill in the missing details in clever stories?
Back: turning victims into actors, villains into humans, and the helpless into able

Front: what question can you ask to turn victims into actors?
Back: Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

Front: does admitting your role in causing the problem mean that you had malicious motives?
Back: no, perhaps your contribution was merely a thoughtless omission

Front: crucial conversations: when you find yourself labelling or otherwise vilifying others, what should you stop and ask yourself?
Back: Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?

Front: what transformation does asking "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?" accomplish?
Back: it turns villains into humans

Front: what is not our purpose in asking why a reasonable, rational, and decent person might be asking a certain way?
Back: to excuse others for any bad things they may be doing

Front: what can answering the humanizing question help us do for ourselves?
Back: deal with our own stories and emotions

Front: With experience and maturity we learn to worry less about [...] and more about the effect others' actions are having on us.
Back: With experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others' intent and more about the effect others' actions are having on us.

Front: With experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others' intent and more about [...].
Back: With experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others' intent and more about the effect others' actions are having on us.

Front: what happens when we reflect on alternative motives?
Back: we soften our emotions and relax our absolute certainty long enough to allow for dialogue

Front: what is the only reliable way of discovering others' genuine motives?
Back: dialogue

Front: when you catch yourself bemoaning your own heplessness, what can you return to in order to tell the complete story?
Back: your own motive

Front: what series of questions do you ask yourself to turn the helpless into the able?
Back: What do I really want?  For me?  For others?  For the relationship?
What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

Front: When the topic turns from [...], it's always more difficult.
Back: When the topic turns from things to people, it's always more difficult.

Front: When the topic turns from things to people, it's always [...].
Back: When the topic turns from things to people, it's always more difficult.

Front: when it comes to sharing touching information, what do the worst at dialogue do?
Back: they alternate between bluntly dumping their ideas into the pool and saying nothing at all

Front: what do the good at dialogue do when it comes to sharing touchy information?
Back: fearful they could easily destroy a healthy relationship, they say some of what's on their minds but understate their views out of fear of hurting others

Front: what do the best at dilalogue do when it comes to sharing touchy information?
Back: they speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it well, being both totally frank and completely respectful

Front: In order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, we have to find a way to [...].
Back: In order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, we have to find a way to maintain safety.

Front: what three ingredients do you need to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others?
Back: confidence, humility, and skill

Front: what are the three things that comprise having confidence in dialogue?
1. [...]
Back: having the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it

Front: what are the three things that comprise having confidence in dialogue?
1. having the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it
2. [...]
Back: being confident that your opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning

Front: what are the three things that comprise having confidence in dialogue?
1. having the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it
2. being confident that your opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning
3. [...]
Back: being confident that you can speak openly without brutalizing others or causing undue offense

Front: [...] does not equate to arrogance or pigheadedness.
Back: Confidence does not equate to arrogance or pigheadedness.

Front: Confidence does not equate to [...].
Back: Confidence does not equate to arrogance or pigheadedness.

Front: [...] are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input.
Back: Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input.

Front: Skilled people are [...], but also realize that others have valuable input.
Back: Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input.

Front: Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also [...].
Back: Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input.

Front: what does it mean to be humble in dialogue?
Back: to realize you don't have a monopoly on truth, that your opinions provide a starting point but not the final word (new information will make you change your mind), and being wiling to both express your opinions and encourage others to do the same

Front: what does it mean to have skill in dialogue?
Back: being good at sharing delicate information with candor and safety (no Sucker's Choice)

Front: what is the worst way of bringing up a sensitive issue?
Back: jumping in with an ugly accusation followed by a threat

Front: if your goal is to have a healthy conversation about a tough topic, what is your only hope?
Back: to stay in dialogue

Front: despite your worst suspicions about the person you're trying to talk to, what should you never do?
Back: violate respect or kill safety with threats and accusations

Front: [...] is not to act out the worst story you can generate.
Back: The best way to find out the true story is not to act out the worst story you can generate.

Front: The best way to find out the true story is not to [...].
Back: The best way to find out the true story is not to act out the worst story you can generate.

Front: what will acting out the worst story you can think of lead to?
Back: self-destructive silence and violence games

Front: [...] long enough to temper your emotions so you can get to dialogue.
Back: Think about other possible explanations long enough to temper your emotions so you can get to dialogue.

Front: Think about other possible explanations [...] so you can get to dialogue.
Back: Think about other possible explanations long enough to temper your emotions so you can get to dialogue.

Front: Think about other possible explanations long enough to temper your emotions [...].
Back: Think about other possible explanations long enough to temper your emotions so you can get to dialogue.

Front: once you've worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, what can you do to talk about a sensitive topic?
Back: draw on STATE, the five distinct skills that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics

Front: what is the best way to introduce your view?
Back: follow your Path to Action from beginning to end--the same way you traveled it

Front: when we're drunk on adrenaline, what do we tend to start with and why?
Back: our emotions and stories, because that's what we're obsessing about

Front: what is the most controversial, least influential, and most insulting way to begin?
Back: with our emotions and stories

Front: what is the problem with beginning with our emotions and stories? (three things)
Back: it is the most controversial, least influential, and most insulting way to begin

Front: what makes matters even worse about starting with our feelings and stories?
Back: since it's bound to go badly, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that we just can't share risky views without creating problems

Front: what should you do if you want to share your story?
Back: don't start with it

Front: what might happen if you start with your story?
Back: you could surprise and insult others, and kill safety in one rash, ill-conceived sentence

Front: where should you begin your path?
Back: with facts

Front: in order to talk about your stories, what do you need to do?
Back: lead the others involved down your Path to Action

Front: classify: I'd like to talk to you about your leadership style.  You micromanage me, and it's starting to drive me nuts.
Back: starting with stories and emotions

Front: convert: I'd like to talk to you about your leadership style.  You micromanage me, and it's starting to drive me nuts.
S I s w h, y'v a t m w m t a d.  T's m t w a e.  Y h a a m t p a o m i b y b I i t i a p.
Back: Since I started work here, you've asked to meet with me twice a day.  That's more than with anyone else.  You have also asked me to pass all of my ideas by you before I include them in a project.

Front: Brian: Since I started work here, you've asked to meet with me twice a day.  That's more than with anyone else.  You have also asked me to pass all of my ideas by you before I include them in a project.
Fernando: What's your point?
Brian: [...]
Back: I'm not sure that you're intending to send this message, but I'm beginning to wonder if you don't trust me.  Maybe you think I'm not up to the job or that I'll get you into trouble.  Is that what's going on? [the possible story]

Front: how do you earn the right to share your story?
Back: starting with your facts

Front: why share your story (as opposed to just your facts) in the first place?
Back: it's the facts plus the conclusion that call for a face-to-face discussion, and if you simply mention the facts the other person may not understand the severity of the implications

Front: how could you start a conversation where you thought someone was taking home proprietary software?
Back: I noticed that you had company software in your briefcase.

Front: A: I noticed that you had company software in your briefcase.
B: Yep, that's the beauty of software.  It's portable.
A: [...]
Back: That particular software is proprietary.

Front: A: That particular software is proprietary.
B: It ought to be!  Our future depends on it.
A: [...]
Back: My understanding is that it's not supposed to go home.

Front: A: My understanding is that it's not supposed to go home.
B: Of course not.  That's how people steal it.
A: [...]
Back: (Sounds like it's time for a conclusion.) I was wondering what that software is doing in your briefcase.  It looks like you're taking it home.  Is that what's going on here?

Front: what does it take to share a potentially inflammatory story? (on your own part--not safety)
Back: confidence

Front: what can make you confident that you are drawing a reasonable, rational, and decent conclusion?
Back: doing your homework and thinking through the facts behind your story

Front: what does a reasonable, rational, decent conclusion deserve?
Back: a hearing

Front: if we lack the confidence to speak up and let problems simmer for a long time, what might we be tempted to do?
Back: pile it on

Front: when should we pile it on?
Back: we shouldn't

Front: should you apologize for your views?
Back: no

Front: convert: The fact is
Back: In my opinion

Front: convert: Everyone knows that
Back: I've talked to three of our suppliers who think that

Front: convert: It's clear to me
Back: I'm beginning to wonder if

Front: why soften the message?
Back: because we're trying to add meaning to the pool, not force it down other people's throats

Front: if we're too forceful with our information, what will happen?
Back: it won't make it into the pool

Front: other than accurately portraying our uncertain view, why else is tentative language useful?
Back: it helps reduce defensiveness and makes it safe for others to offer differing opinions

Front: classify: I know this is probably not true
Back: wimpy

Front: classify: Call me crazy but
Back: wimpy

Front: When you [...] and do it in a tone that suggests you're consumed with doubt, you do the message a disservice.
Back: When you begin with a complete disclaimer and do it in a tone that suggests you're consumed with doubt, you do the message a disservice.

Front: When you begin with a complete disclaimer and do it [...], you do the message a disservice.
Back: When you begin with a complete disclaimer and do it in a tone that suggests you're consumed with doubt, you do the message a disservice.

Front: When you begin with a complete disclaimer and do it in a tone that suggests you're consumed with doubt, you [...].
Back: When you begin with a complete disclaimer and do it in a tone that suggests you're consumed with doubt, you do the message a disservice.

Front: classify: This probably stupid, but
Back: too soft

Front: classify: How come you ripped us off?
Back: too hard

Front: classify: It's starting to look like you're taking this home for your own use.  is that right?
Back: just right

Front: classify: I'm ashamed to even mention this but
Back: too soft

Front: classify: Just when did you start using hard drugs?
Back: too hard

Front: classify: It's leading me to conclude that you're starting to use drugs.  Do you have another explanation that I'm missing here?
Back: just right

Front: classify: It's probably my fault, but
Back: too soft

Front: classify: You wouldn't trust your own mother to make a one-minute egg!
Back: too hard

Front: classify: I'm starting to feel like you don't trust me.  Is that's what's going on here?  If so I'd like to know what I did to lose your trust.
Back: just right

Front: classify: Maybe I'm just oversexed or something, but
Back: too soft

Front: classify: If you don't find a way to pick up the frequency, I'm walking.
Back: too hard

Front: classify: I don't think you're intending this, but I'm beginning to feel rejected.
Back: just right

Front: [...] can be difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.
Back: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.

Front: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be [...] when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.
Back: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.

Front: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be difficult when [...] contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.
Back: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.

Front: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain [...], unattractive, or controversial opinions.
Back: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.

Front: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, [...], or controversial opinions.
Back: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.

Front: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or [...] opinions.
Back: Adding information to the pool of meaning can be difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.

Front: Not only should you invite others to talk, but you have to do so in a way that makes it clear that [...].
Back: Not only should you invite others to talk, but you have to do so in a way that makes it clear that no matter how controversial their ideas are, you want to hear them.

Front: when is it particularly important to Encourage Testing?
Back: when you're having a crucial conversation with people who might move to silence

Front: what is the only limit to how strongly you can express your opinion?
Back: your willingness to be equally vigorous in encouraging others to challenge it

Front: what should you express if you think others might be hesitant to share their views?
Back: make it clear that you want to hear their views--no matter their opinion

Front: what are the three components of Encourage Testing:
1. [...]
Back: Invite opposing views

Front: what are the three components of Encourage Testing:
1. Invite opposing views
2. [...]
Back: Mean it

Front: what are the three components of Encourage Testing:
1. Invite opposing views
2. Mean it
3. [...]
Back: Play devil's advocate

Front: classify: "Well, that's how I see it.  Nobody disagrees, do they?"
Back: an invitation that sounds more like a threat than a legitimate call for opinions

Front: Invite people with both [...] and tone that say "I really want to hear from you."
Back: Invite people with both words and tone that say "I really want to hear from you."

Front: Invite people with both words and [...] that say "I really want to hear from you."
Back: Invite people with both words and tone that say "I really want to hear from you."

Front: Invite people with both words and tone that say "[...]."
Back: Invite people with both words and tone that say "I really want to hear from you."

Front: if you can tell that others are not buying into your facts or story, but they're not speaking up either (even after you've sincerely invited them to), what should you do?
Back: to help grease the skids, play devil's advocate

Front: what does it mean to play devil's advocate?
Back: model disagreeing by disagreeing with your own view

Front: what's an example of playing devil's advocate?
Back: "Maybe I'm wrong here.  What if the opposite is true?  What if the reason sales have dropped is because..."

Front: what belief do we generally have when we feel the need to push our ideas on others?
Back: that we're right and everyone else is wrong

Front: what do we believe about the pool of knowledge when we're sure we're right?
Back: that's there's no need to expand the pool of meaning because we own it

Front: once we're convinced that it's our duty to fight for the truth, what do we start doing?
Back: pulling out the big guns and using debating tricks

Front: what is one of our chief debating tricks?
Back: our ability to "stack the deck"

Front: what does it mean to "stack the deck"
Back: to cite information that supports our ideas while hiding or discrediting anything that doesn't

Front: [...]: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations
Back: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations

Front: classify: "Everyone knows that this is the only way to go."
Back: example of exaggeration
"E k t t i t o w t g."

Front: classify: "All right-thinking people would agree with me."
Back: example of using inflammatory terms

Front: classify: "Well, that's what the boss thinks."
Back: example of appeal to authority

Front: classify: "You're not so naive as to actually believe that?"
Back: example of attacking the person

Front: classify: "If it happened in our overseas operation, it'll happen here for sure."
Back: example of drawing a hasty generalization

Front: what chain of things will happen the harder we try and the more forceful our tactics get?
Back: the more resistance we create, the worse the results, and the more battered our relationships

Front: what is the solution to excessive advocacy? (three steps)
Back: back off your current attack and think about what you want for yourself, others, and the relationship, ask yourself what you would do if you really wanted those results, and use STATE

Front: what should you watch out for when you're sharing difficult information?
Back: the moment when people start to resist you

Front: when you see that people are starting to resist you, what should you do?
Back: turn your attention from the topic (no matter how important) to yourself

Front: some things to ask when you notice people are resisting and then turn your attention to yourself:
1. [...]
Back: Are you leaning forward?

Front: some things to ask when you notice people are resisting and then turn your attention to yourself:
1. Are you leaning forward?
2. [...]
Back: Are you speaking more loudly?

Front: some things to ask when you notice people are resisting and then turn your attention to yourself:
1. Are you leaning forward?
2. Are you speaking more loudly?
3. [...]
Back: Are you starting to try to win?

Front: some things to ask when you notice people are resisting and then turn your attention to yourself:
1. Are you leaning forward?
2. Are you speaking more loudly?
3. Are you starting to try to win?
4. [...]
Back: Are you speaking in lengthy monologues and using dirty tricks?

Front: The [...], the less likely you are to be on your best behavior.
Back: The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior.

Front: The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to [...].
Back: The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior.

Front: after turning your attention inward because you noticed people were resisting, what should you do?
Back: tone down your approach

Front: what does it mean to tone down your approach in conversation?
Back: open yourself up to to the belief that others might have something to say and then ask them for their views

Front: [...] is so counterintuitive that most of us have trouble pulling it off.
Back: Backing off when we care the most is so counterintuitive that most of us have trouble pulling it off.

Front: Backing off when we care the most is [...].
Back: Backing off when we care the most is so counterintuitive that most of us have trouble pulling it off.

Front: When it comes to [...], passion can be our enemy.
Back: When it comes to our strongest views, passion can be our enemy.

Front: When it comes to our strongest views, [...] can be our enemy.
Back: When it comes to our strongest views, passion can be our enemy.

Front: When it comes to our strongest views, passion can be [...].
Back: When it comes to our strongest views, passion can be our enemy.

Front: is feeling strongly about something bad in and of itself?
Back: of course not

Front: when we believe strongly in a concept or a cause, what will happen when we try to convince others about it?
Back: our emotions will kick in and we will start trying to force our way onto others

Front: When [...] turn our ideas into a harsh and painful stream of thoughts, our honest passion kills the argument rather than supports it.
Back: When our emotions turn our ideas into a harsh and painful stream of thoughts, our honest passion kills the argument rather than supports it.

Front: When our emotions turn our ideas into [...], our honest passion kills the argument rather than supports it.
Back: When our emotions turn our ideas into a harsh and painful stream of thoughts, our honest passion kills the argument rather than supports it.

Front: When our emotions turn our ideas into a harsh and painful stream of thoughts, [...].
Back: When our emotions turn our ideas into a harsh and painful stream of thoughts, our honest passion kills the argument rather than supports it.

Front: Realize that if you're [...] or if you can't figure out why others don't buy in--after all, it's so obvious to you--recognize that you're starting to enter dangerous territory.
Back: Realize that if you're starting to feel indignant or if you can't figure out why others don't buy in--after all, it's so obvious to you--recognize that you're starting to enter dangerous territory.

Front: Realize that if you're starting to feel indignant or if [...]--after all, it's so obvious to you--recognize that you're starting to enter dangerous territory.
Back: Realize that if you're starting to feel indignant or if you can't figure out why others don't buy in--after all, it's so obvious to you--recognize that you're starting to enter dangerous territory.

Front: Realize that if you're starting to feel indignant or if you can't figure out why others don't buy in--[...]--recognize that you're starting to enter dangerous territory.
Back: Realize that if you're starting to feel indignant or if you can't figure out why others don't buy in--after all, it's so obvious to you--recognize that you're starting to enter dangerous territory.

Front: Realize that if you're starting to feel indignant or if you can't figure out why others don't buy in--after all, it's so obvious to you--recognize that [...].
Back: Realize that if you're starting to feel indignant or if you can't figure out why others don't buy in--after all, it's so obvious to you--recognize that you're starting to enter dangerous territory.

Front: what are three questions you can ask to invite people to share their views?
1. [...] "D a s i d?" two does with hoods and invitations around their necks
2. "What am I missing here?"
3. "I'd really like to hear the other side of this story."
Back: "Does anyone see it differently?"

Front: what are three questions you can ask to invite people to share their views?
1. "Does anyone see it differently?"
2. [...]
3. "I'd really like to hear the other side of this story."
Back: "What am I missing here?"

Front: what are three questions you can ask to invite people to share their views?
1. "Does anyone see it differently?"
2. "What am I missing here?"
3. [...] "I'd r l t h t o s o t s."
Back: "I'd really like to hear the other side of this story."

Front: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: [...], exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations
Back: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations

Front: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, [...], inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations
Back: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations

Front: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, [...], appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations
Back: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations

Front: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, [...], attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations
Back: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations

Front: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, [...], drawing hasty generalizations
Back: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations

Front: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, [...]
Back: debating tricks that we use when we're sure we're right: stacking the deck, exaggeration, inflammatory language, appeals to authority, attacking the person, drawing hasty generalizations

Front: how can it feel to be tentative when your own strong belief is being brought into question?
Back: disingenuous

Front: when you watch others shift from healthy dialogue to forcing their way on others, what is obvious?
Back: that if they don't back off, nobody will buy in

Front: Bob: Hi honey, how was your day?
Carol: [...] (bringing up the issue of the hotel bill)
Back: Not so good.

Front: Bob: Hi honey, how was your day?
Carol: Not so good.
Bob: Why's that?
Carol: [...]
Back: I was checking our credit card bill, and I noticed a charge of forty-eight dollars for the Good Night Motel down the street. [Shares facts]

Front: Bob: Why's that?
Carol: I was checking our credit card bill, and I noticed a charge of forty-eight dollars for the Good Night Motel down the street. [Shares facts]
Bob: Boy, that sounds wrong.
Carole: [...]
Back: It sure does.

Front: Bob: Boy, that sounds wrong.
Carole: It sure does.
Bob: Well don't worry, I'll check into it one day when I'm going by.
Carole: [...]
Back: I'd feel better if we checked right now.

Front: Bob: Well don't worry, I'll check into it one day when I'm going by.
Carole: I'd feel better if we checked right now.
Bob: Really?  It's less than fifty bucks.  It can wait.
Carole: [...]
Back: It's not the money that has me worried.

Front: Bob: Really?  It's less than fifty bucks.  It can wait.
Carole: It's not the money that has me worried.
Bob: You're worried?
Carole: [...] (include response and label)
Back: It's a motel down the street.  You know that's how my sister found out that Phil was having an affair.  She found a suspicious hotel bil.  [Shares store--tentatively]

Front: Bob: Really?  It's less than fifty bucks.  It can wait.
Carole: It's not the money that has me worried.
Bob: You're worried?
Carole: It's a motel down the street.  You know that's how my sister found out that Phil was having an affair.  She found a suspicious hotel bil.  [Shares story--tentatively] [...]
Back: I don't have anything to worry about do I?  What do you think is going on here with this bill?  [Asks for other's path]

Front: Bob: You're worried?
Carole: It's a motel down the street.  You know that's how my sister found out that Phil was having an affair.  She found a suspicious hotel bil.  [Shares story--tentatively] I don't have anything to worry about do I?  What do you think is going on here with this bill?  [Asks for other's path]
Bob: I don't know, but you certainly don't have to worry about me.
Carole: [...]
Back: I know you have given me no reason to question your fidelity.  I don't really believe that you're having an affair.  [Contrasting]

Front: Bob: You're worried?
Carole: It's a motel down the street.  You know that's how my sister found out that Phil was having an affair.  She found a suspicious hotel bil.  [Shares store--tentatively] I don't have anything to worry about do I?  What do you think is going on here with this bill?  [Asks for other's path]
Bob: I don't know, but you certainly don't have to worry about me.
Carole: I know you have given me no reason to question your fidelity.  I don't really believe that you're having an affair.  [Contrasting] [...]
Back: It's just that it might help put my mind to rest if we were to check on this right now.  Would that bother you?  [Encourages testing]

Front: You'll never [...] until all parties freely add to the pool of meaning.
Back: You'll never work through your differences until all parties freely add to the pool of meaning.

Front: You'll never work through your differences until [...] freely add to the pool of meaning.
Back: You'll never work through your differences until all parties freely add to the pool of meaning.

Front: You'll never work through your differences until all parties [...].
Back: You'll never work through your differences until all parties freely add to the pool of meaning.

Front: what does it mean that ALL parties must freely add to the pool of meaning?
Back: that the people who are blowing up or clamming up must participate as well

Front: can you force others to dialogue?
Back: no

Front: what can you do instead of forcing others to dialogue?
Back: take steps to make it safer for them to do so

Front: what are people afraid dialogue will do to them that makes them seek the security of silence or violence?
Back: they're afraid that dialogue will make them vulnerable

Front: what does it mean that they believe dialogue will make them vulnerable?
Back: they believe that if they engage in real conversation with you, bad things will happen

Front: what is your best hope to get back your relationship with someone who has moved to violence or silence? (general)
Back: restoring safety

Front: what is our model of what is going on inside the other person's head during a crucial conversation?
Back: the Path to Action

Front: now that we understand about others' Paths to Action, what whole new tool do we have for helping others feel safe?
Back: finding a way to let others know that it's okay to share their Path to Action

Front: what does it mean for others to share their Path to Action?
Back: for them to share their facts, and yes, even their nasty stories and ugly feelings

Front: what can we let people know to help them be more likely to open up?
Back: letting them know that it's okay to share their Path to Action

Front: how can we encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence behind? (not increase safety)
Back: explore their Paths to Action

Front: what two things can we accomplish by exploring others' Paths to Action?
Back: encourage the free flow of meaning
help others leave silence or violence behind

Front: what two things comprise the attitude you should have when exploring others' Paths?
Back: curiosity and patience

Front: why does it help to have curiosity and patience when exploring others' paths?
Back: it helps restore safety

Front: what is the mnemonic for the four listening skills for retracing the other person's Path to Action?
Back: AMPP

Front: what does the A in AMPP stand for?
Back: Ask

Front: what does it mean to Ask for others' views?
Back: simply start by expressing interest in the other person's views

Front: what does the M in AMPP stand for?
Back: Mirror

Front: what does it mean to Mirror?
Back: increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling

Front: what does the first P in AMPP stand for?
Back: Paraphrase

Front: what does it mean to Paraphrase?
Back: as others begin to share part of their story, restate what you have heard

Front: as others begin to share part of their story, what are two reasons to restate what you've heard?
Back: to show them that you understand and that it's safe for them to share what they're thinking

Front: what does the second P in AMPP stand for?
Back: Prime

Front: what does it mean to Prime?
Back: take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling

Front: when should you Prime?
Back: if others continue to hold back

Front: as you explore others' paths and begin to share your views, what mnemonic should you remember?
Back: ABC

Front: what does the A in ABC stand for?
Back: Agree

Front: what does it mean to Agree?
Back: Agree when you do

Front: what does it mean to Build?
Back: if others leave something out, agree where you do, then build

Front: what should you do if others leave something out when you explore their paths?
Back: agree where you do, then build

Front: what does the B in ABC stand for?
Back: Build

Front: what does the C in ABC stand for?
Back: Compare

Front: what does it mean to Compare?
Back: When do you do different significantly, don't suggest others are wrong.  Compare your views.

Front: what should you do when as you explore others' paths they differ with yours significantly?
Back: compare your two views

Front: what should you NOT do when as you explore others' paths you and others different significantly?
Back: don't suggest others are wrong

Front: When you [...], you must mean it.
Back: When you invite people to share their views, you must mean it.

Front: When you invite people to share their views, you must [...].
Back: When you invite people to share their views, you must mean it.

Front: classify: "Did everything go all right with the procuder?" the clerk asks.
"Mostly," the patient replies.
"Good," the clerk abruptly responds and then follows with a resonding, "Next!"
Back: pretending to be interested

Front: what can people say that is a big hint that something went wrong?
Back: someone saying it was "mostly" okay

Front: what category of inquiry is "How are you today?"
Back: pretending to be interested

Front: translate: "How are you today?"
Back: "Please don't say anything of substance.  I'm really just making small talk."

Front: what should you be prepared to do when you ask people to open up?
Back: to listen

Front: what do we want people to express to get at the truth?
Back: the stories that are moving them to either silence or violence

Front: At the very moment when most people become [...], we need to become curious.
Back: At the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious.

Front: At the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become [...].
Back: At the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious.

Front: why should we want to hear from others?
Back: it adds to the pool of meaning

Front: when people move to silence or violence we what are we tempted to do?
Back: respond in kind

Front: rather than respond in kind when people move to silence or violence, what should we do mentally?
Back: wonder what's behind the ruckus

Front: what is the cure for silence or violence? (not safety)
Back: getting at the source

Front: what emotion does getting at the source require?
Back: curiosity

Front: when others move to silence or violence, what feelings may we respond with by default?
Back: frustration and anger

Front: in what context can we start practicing turning our visceral tendency to respond in kind into genuine curiosity?
Back: look for a situation where you observe someone becoming emotional and you're still under control

Front: what sort of situation is good for starting to practice being curious when someone is upset?
Back: one where you're not personally under attack

Front: why is it easier to start practicing being curious with a situation where you're not not personally under attack?
Back: you're less likely to get hooked

Front: Look for chances to [...] rather than kick-start your adrenaline.
Back: Look for chances to turn on your curiosity rather than kick-start your adrenaline.

Front: Look for chances to turn on your curiosity rather than [...].
Back: Look for chances to turn on your curiosity rather than kick-start your adrenaline.

Front: Clerk: Did everything go all right with the procedure?
Patient: Mostly.
Clerk: [...]
Back: It sounds like you had a problem of some kind. Is that right?

Front: when people begin to share their volatile stories and feelings, what risk do we face?
Back: pulling out our own Victim, Villain, and Helpless stories to explain what they're saying

Front: It is [...] to hear other people's unflattering stories.
Back: It is rarely fun to hear other people's unflattering stories.

Front: It is rarely fun to hear other people's [...].
Back: It is rarely fun to hear other people's unflattering stories.

Front: because it's rarely fun to hear other people's unflattering stories, how do we begin to see those who tell them?
Back: we begin to assign negative motives to them for telling the stories

Front: classify:
Clerk: Well aren't you the ungrateful one!  The kind doctor devotes his whole life to helping people and now he's a little gray around the edges, you want to send him out to pasture!
Back: assigning negative motives to people for telling their stories

Front: how can we try to be to avoid overreacting to others' stories?
Back: stay curious

Front: what strategy can you use to stay curious and avoid overreacting?
Back: give your brain a problem to stay focused on

Front: what question can you give your brain to focus on to help yourself stay curious?
Back: "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?"

Front: what does asking "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?" help you do in conversation?
Back: keep retracing the other person's Path to Action

Front: how long should you keep retracing the other person's Path to Action?
Back: until you see how it all fits together

Front: under most circumstances, when you retrace someone's Path to Action until it all fits together what do you end up seeing?
Back: that the individual drew a fairly reasonable conclusion

Front: what are the ways to start with the heart when exploring others' paths?
1. [...]
Back: be sincere

Front: what are the ways to start with the heart when exploring others' paths?
1. be sincere
2. [...]
Back: stay curious

Front: what are the ways to start with the heart when exploring others' paths?
1. be sincere
2. stay curious
3. [...]
Back: be patient

Front: When others are [...], it's a good bet they're starting to feel the effects of adrenaline.
Back: When others are acting out their feelings and opinions through silence or violence, it's a good bet they're starting to feel the effects of adrenaline.

Front: When others are acting out their feelings and opinions through silence or violence, it's a good bet they're [...]. (not feeling unsafe)
Back: When others are acting out their feelings and opinions through silence or violence, it's a good bet they're starting to feel the effects of adrenaline.

Front: Even if we do our best to [...] to the other person's possible onslaught, we still have to face up to the fact that it's going to take a little while for him to settle down.
Back: Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person's possible onslaught, we still have to face up to the fact that it's going to take a little while for him to settle down.

Front: Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person's [...], we still have to face up to the fact that it's going to take a little while for him to settle down.
Back: Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person's possible onslaught, we still have to face up to the fact that it's going to take a little while for him to settle down.

Front: Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person's possible onslaught, we still have to [...] it's going to take a little while for him to settle down.
Back: Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person's possible onslaught, we still have to face up to the fact that it's going to take a little while for him to settle down.

Front: Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person's possible onslaught, we still have to face up to the fact that [...].
Back: Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person's possible onslaught, we still have to face up to the fact that it's going to take a little while for him to settle down.

Front: even if you respond respectfully to an ugly story and you both now share a similar view, how might it still seem?
Back: like your friend is still pushing too hard

Front: While it's natural to [...], strong emotions take a while to subside.
Back: While it's natural to move quickly from one thought to the next, strong emotions take a while to subside.

Front: While it's natural to move quickly from one thought to the next, [...].
Back: While it's natural to move quickly from one thought to the next, strong emotions take a while to subside.

Front: once the chemicals that fuel emotions are released, what do they do?
Back: they hang around in the bloodstream for a time

Front: how do the chemicals in our bloodstream that fuel emotions react to our thoughts changing?
Back: in some cases they hang around long after

Front: after you have gotten others to share their paths, what do you have to do?
Back: wait for their emotions to catch up to the safety you've created

Front: when we see someone in silence or violence, what part of the path are we seeing?
Back: the end of the path

Front: what are two points to remember when we encourage others to retrace their paths?
1. [...]
Back: Every sentence has a history.

Front: what are two points two remember when we encourage others to retrace their path?
1. Every sentence has a history.
2. [...]
Back: Break the cycle.

Front: why do most of us fail to help others retrace their paths?
Back: because when we see silence or violence we're joining the conversation at the end of their Path to Action

Front: how can we get a feel for how complicated and unnerving the process of exploring others' paths is?
Back: by comparing it to tuning into a mystery show halfway through

Front: [...] can be equally mysterious and frustrating as tuning into a mystery halfway through.
Back: Crucial conversations can be equally mysterious and frustrating as tuning into a mystery halfway through.

Front: Crucial conversations can be equally [...] as tuning into a mystery halfway through.
Back: Crucial conversations can be equally mysterious and frustrating as tuning into a mystery halfway through.

Front: Crucial conversations can be equally mysterious and frustrating as [...].
Back: Crucial conversations can be equally mysterious and frustrating as tuning into a mystery halfway through.

Front: When someone else is in silence or violence, not only are we joining late, but at a time when [...].
Back: When someone else is in silence or violence, not only are we joining late, but at a time when the other person is starting to act offensively.

Front: when we are on the receiving end of someone's retributions, accusations, and cheap thoughts, what do we rarely think?
Back: "My, what an interesting story he or she must have told."

Front: what do we do instead of thinking "My, what an interesting story he or she must have told."
Back: we match the unhealthy behavior

Front: what happens inside us when we match someone else's violent or silent behavior and what do we do?
Back: our defense mechanisms kick in and we create our own hasty and ugly Path to Action

Front: If we successfully encourage others to retrace their paths, what will happen in what order?
Back: the other person moves from his or her emotions, to what he or she concluded, to what she or he observed

Front: where can feelings be resolved?
Back: at the source--the facts and story behind the emotion

Front: what will happen to us if we don't get at the source of others' feelings?
Back: we'll end up suffering the effects of the feelings

Front: when should we explore others' paths?
Back: when we see that they're getting upset, fearful, or angry

Front: to explore others' paths, what must we be sincere in the face of?
Back: hostility, fear, or even abuse

Front: in a word, what does it require to retrace others' paths?
Back: listening

Front: When we listen to get people to move from acting on their feelings to talking about their conclusions and observations, we must do so in a way that [...].
Back: When we listen to get people to move from acting on their feelings to talking about their conclusions and observations, we must do so in a way that makes it safe for others to share their intimate thoughts.

Front: what must others believe about the situation in order to feel safe sharing their intimate thoughts?
Back: that they won't offend others or be punished for speaking frankly

Front: what is the mnemonic for the four power listening tools?
Back: AMPP

Front: under what circumstances can the four power listening tools be effective?
Back: both silence and violence games

Front: what is the easiest and most straightforward way to encourage others to share their Path to Action?
Back: simply to invite others to express themselves

Front: When we show [...], people feel less compelled to use silence or violence.
Back: When we show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use silence or violence.

Front: When we show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use [...].
Back: When we show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use silence or violence.

Front: "Do you like my new dress, or are you going to call the modesty police?" Wendy smirks.
[...]
Back: "What do you mean?" you ask.  "I'd like to hear your concerns."

Front: four invitations to talk about what's really going on:
1. [...] "W's g o?"
2. "I'd really like to hear your opinion on this."
3. "Please let me know if you see it differently."
4. "Don't worry about hurting my feelings.  I really want to hear your thoughts."
Back: "What's going on?"

Front: four invitations to talk about what's really going on:
1. "What's going on?"
2. [...] "I'd r l t h y o o t"
3. "Please let me know if you see it differently."
4. "Don't worry about hurting my feelings.  I really want to hear your thoughts."
Back: "I'd really like to hear your opinion on this."

Front: four invitations to talk about what's really going on:
1. "What's going on?"
2. "I'd really like to hear your opinion on this."
3. [...] "P l m k i y s i d."
4. "Don't worry about hurting my feelings.  I really want to hear your thoughts."
Back: "Please let me know if you see it differently."

Front: four invitations to talk about what's really going on:
1. "What's going on?"
2. "I'd really like to hear your opinion on this."
3. "Please let me know if you see it differently."
4. [...] "D't w a h m f.  I r w t h y t."
Back: "Don't worry about hurting my feelings.  I really want to hear your thoughts."

Front: if asking others to share their paths doesn't open things up, what can help build more safety?
Back: mirroring

Front: In [...], we take the portion of the other person's Path to Action we have access to and make it safe for him to discuss it.
Back: In mirroring, we take the portion of the other person's Path to Action we have access to and make it safe for him to discuss it.

Front: In mirroring, we take the [...] to and make it safe for him to discuss it.
Back: In mirroring, we take the portion of the other person's Path to Action we have access to and make it safe for him to discuss it.

Front: In mirroring, we take the portion of the other person's Path to Action we have access to and make it [...].
Back: In mirroring, we take the portion of the other person's Path to Action we have access to and make it safe for him to discuss it.

Front: what material do we often have to start by mirroring?
Back: actions and some hints about the other person's emotions

Front: what do we say when we mirror the other person?
Back: we describe how they look or act

Front: what can we see even when we may not understand others' stories or facts?
Back: see their actions and get clues about their feelings

Front: when is mirroring most useful?
Back: when another person's tone of voice or gestures are inconsistent with his words

Front: classify: "Don't worry.  I'm fine." (But the person in question is saying this with a look that suggests he is actually quite upset.  He's frowning, looking around, and sort of kicking at the ground.)
Back: inconsistent tone of voice or gestures and words

Front: "Don't worry.  I'm fine." (But the person in question is saying this with a look that suggests he is actually quite upset.  He's frowning, looking around, and sort of kicking at the ground.)
[...]
Back: "Really?  From the way you're saying that, it doesn't sound like you are."

Front: what do we explain to others when we mirror?
Back: that while the person may be saying one thing, his tone of voice or body posture suggests something else

Front: By explaining the inconsistency in a person's tone or posture and words, we show [...] for him.
Back: By explaining the inconsistency in a person's tone or posture and words, we show respect and concern for him.

Front: what is the most important element of mirroring?
Back: tone of voice

Front: is it the fact of acknowledging others' emotions that creates safety?
Back: no

Front: Mirroring creates safety when [...]. o t o v s w'r o w t f t w t'r f
Back: Mirroring creates safety when our tone of voice says we're okay with them feeling the way they're feeling.

Front: if we successfully communicate that we're okay with someone feeling the way he's feeling, what may he conclude?
Back: that rather than acting out his emotions, he can confidently talk them out with us instead

Front: as we mirror and describe what we see, how must we do it?
Back: calmly

Front: what will ensure that our attempts at mirroring will fail?
Back: if we act upset or as if we're not going to like what others say

Front: if we act upset or as if we're not going to like what others say, how will others react?
Back: we will confirm their suspicions that they need to remain silent

Front: examples of mirroring:
1. [...]
Back: "You say you're okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset."

Front: examples of mirroring:
1. "You say you're okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset."
2. [...]
Back: "You seem angry at me."

Front: examples of mirroring:
1. "You say you're okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset."
2. "You seem angry at me."
3. [...]
Back: "You look nervous about confronting him.  Are you sure you're willing to do it?"

Front: Ask to [...]
Back: Ask to Get Things Rolling

Front: Mirror to [...]
Back: Mirror to Confirm Feelings

Front: Paraphrase to [...]
Back: Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story

Front: Prime [...]
Back: Prime When You're Getting Nowhere

Front: [...] may help you get part of the other person's story into the open.
Back: Asking and mirroring may help you get part of the other person's story into the open.

Front: Asking and mirroring may help you [...] (not build safety).
Back: Asking and mirroring may help you get part of the other person's story into the open.

Front: when you get a clue about why the person is feeling as he or she does, what can you do?
Back: build additional safety by paraphrasing what you heard

Front: how should you not paraphrase?
Back: simply parrot back what was said

Front: what should you do to paraphrase?
Back: put the message in your own words--usually in an abbreviated form

Front: paraphrase: "Do you like my new dress, or are you going to call the modestly police?" Wendy smirks.
"L's s i I g t r.  Y'r u b I'v v c a s o t c y w.  A t s c o o-f t y."
Back: "Let's see if I got this right.  You're upset because I've voiced concerns about some of the clothes you wear.  And this seems controlling or old-fashioned to you."

Front: The key to paraphrasing is remaining [...].
Back: The key to paraphrasing is remaing calm and collected.

Front: what is our goal with paraphrasing?
Back: to make it safe

Front: what is NOT what we want to communicate with paraphrasing?
Back: to act horrified and suggest that the conversation is about to turn ugly

Front: what question should you stay focused on as you paraphrase?
Back: figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action

Front: what question will keep you from getting angry and defensive as you paraphrase?
Back: focusing on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action

Front: Simply [...], and do it in a way that suggest that it's okay, you're trying to understand, and it's safe for him to talk candidly.
Back: Simply rephrase what the person has said, and do it in a way that suggest that it's okay, you're trying to understand, and it's safe for him to talk candidly.

Front: Simply rephrase what the person has said, and do it in a way that suggests that [...], and it's safe for him to talk candidly.
Back: Simply rephrase what the person has said, and do it in a way that suggests that it's okay, you're trying to understand, and it's safe for him to talk candidly.

Front: Simply rephrase what the person has said, and do it in a way that suggests that it's okay, you're trying to understand, and it's [...].
Back: Simply rephrase what the person has said, and do it in a way that suggests that it's okay, you're trying to understand, and it's safe for him to talk candidly.

Front: if a person is in silence or violence and we've asked, mirrored, and paraphrased, but the person is still upset and isn't explaining his stories or facts, what may we want to do? (not prime)
Back: back off

Front: if asking, mirroring, and paraphrasing have failed to restore safety, why may we want to back off?
Back: after a while, our attempts to make it safe for others can start feeling as if we're pestering or prying

Front: after a while, how can our attempts to make it safe for others start to feel to them?
Back: as if we're pestering or prying

Front: if we push too hard, what might we violate?
v b p a r
Back: both purpose and respect

Front: what advice does it help to keep in mind about what to beware of when paraphrasing?
Back: Don't push too hard.

Front: what may others conclude if we push too hard with paraphrasing?
Back: that our purpose is merely to extract what we want from them and that we don't care about them personally

Front: what two things can we do to back off?
Back: gracefully exit or ask what he wants to see happen

Front: [...] helps them engage their brains in a way that moves to problem solving and away from either attacking or avoiding.
Back: Asking people what they want helps them engage their brains in a way that moves to problem solving and away from either attacking or avoiding.

Front: Asking people what they want helps them [...] and away from either attacking or avoiding.
Back: Asking people what they want helps them engage their brains in a way that moves to problem solving and away from either attacking or avoiding.

Front: Asking people what they want helps them engage their brains in a way that moves to problem solving and [...].
Back: Asking people what they want helps them engage their brains in a way that moves to problem solving and away from either attacking or avoiding.

Front: besides engaging their brain, what is the advantage of backing off and asking others what they want?
Back: it helps reveal what they think the cause of the problem is

Front: what is the alternative to backing off if paraphrasing fails?
Back: priming

Front: when should you prime?
Back: when you conclude that others would like to open up but still don't feel safe

Front: when someone is in violence, hasn't come down from adrenaline, and isn't explaining why he's angry, what might you want to try?
Back: priming

Front: [...] when you believe that the other person still has something to share and might do so with a little more effort on your part.
Back: Prime when you believe that the other person still has something to share and might do so with a little more effort on your part.

Front: Prime when you believe that the other person [...] and might do so with a little more effort on your part.
Back: Prime when you believe that the other person still has something to share and might do so with a little more effort on your part.

Front: Prime when you believe that the other person still has something to share and [...].
Back: Prime when you believe that the other person still has something to share and might do so with a little more effort on your part.

Front: where does the power-listening term priming come from?
Back: the expression "priming the pump"

Front: what is the origin of the expression "prime the pump"?
Back: with a pump, you often have to pour some water in it to get it running

Front: crucial conversations: what do you offer the other person in priming?
Back: your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling

Front: what metaphor relates priming to the pool of meaning?
Back: pouring some meaning into the pool before the other person will do the same

Front: after trying mirroring and failing, what did the executive say to get employees to talk about an unpopular choice to rotate shifts?
Back: "Are you thinking that the only reason we're doing this is to make money? That maybe we don't care about your personal lives?"

Front: what conditions mean it is time to try priming?
Back: when nothing else has worked, you really want to hear from others, and you have a very strong idea of what they're probably thinking

Front: [...] is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building saftey in hopes that others will share their meaning.
Back: Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building saftey in hopes that others will share their meaning.

Front: Priming is [...], taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building saftey in hopes that others will share their meaning.
Back: Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building saftey in hopes that others will share their meaning.

Front: Priming is an act of good faith, [...], becoming vulnerable, and building saftey in hopes that others will share their meaning.
Back: Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building saftey in hopes that others will share their meaning.

Front: Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, [...], and building saftey in hopes that others will share their meaning.
Back: Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building saftey in hopes that others will share their meaning.

Front: Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and [...] in hopes that others will share their meaning.
Back: Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building saftey in hopes that others will share their meaning.

Front: Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building saftey in hopes that others will [...].
Back: Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building saftey in hopes that others will share their meaning.

Front: how it feel to sincerely explore the views of someone whose path is wildly different from your own?
Back: dangerous

Front: what can make us feel nervous about sincerely exploring the views of someone whose path is wildly different from our own?
Back: he could be wrong and we're acting calm or collected

Front: when the other person could be wrong and we're acting calm and collected, how can that make us feel?
Back: nervous

Front: what should we remember to keep ourselves from feeling nervous when exploring others' paths?
Back: we're trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it or support it

Front: what IS the purpose of exploring others' paths?
Back: to understand their point of view

Front: what is NOT the point of exploring others' paths?
Back: to agree with or support them

Front: what are we not doing by coming to understand another person's Path to Action?
Back: accepting it as absolute truth

Front: in the scene with the mother and Wendy about her boyfriend, what does the mother decide is her goal?
Back: "I want to understand what she's feeling.  I want a good relationship with Wendy.  And I want her to make choices that will make her happy."

Front: in the scene with the mother and Wendy about her boyfriend, what does the mother decide is NOT her goal?
Back: controlling Wendy and defending her pride

Front: how can the mother start the conversation with Wendy about her boyfriend?
Back: You: (Tapping in the door.) Wendy? May I talk with you please?

Front: You: (Tapping in the door.) Wendy? May I talk with you please?
Wendy: Whatever.
(You enter her room and sit on her bed.)
You: [...]
Back: You: (Tapping in the door.) Wendy? May I talk with you please?
Wendy: Whatever.
(You enter her room and sit on her bed.)
You: I'm really sorry for embarrassing you like that.  That was a bad way to handle it. [Apologize to build safety.]

Front: Wendy: Whatever.
(You enter her room and sit on her bed.)
You: I'm really sorry for embarrassing you like.  That was a bad way to handle it. [Apologize to build safety.]
Wendy: It's just that you do that a lot.  It's like you want to control my life.
You: [...]
Back: Wendy: Whatever.
(You enter her room and sit on her bed.)
You: I'm really sorry for embarrassing you like that.  That was a bad way to handle it. [Apologize to build safety.]
Wendy: It's just that you do that a lot.  It's like you want to control my life.
You: Can we talk about that? [Ask]

Front: Wendy: It's just that you do that a lot.  It's like you want to control my life.
You: Can we talk about that? [Ask]
Wendy: (Sounding angry) It's no big deal.  You're the parent, right?
You: [...]
Back: Wendy: It's just that you do that a lot.  It's like you want to control my life.
You: Can we talk about that? [Ask]
Wendy: (Sounding angry) It's no big deal.  You're the parent, right?
You: From the way you say that, it sounds like it's a big deal. [Mirror]

Front: Wendy: It's just that you do that a lot.  It's like you want to control my life.
You: Can we talk about that? [Ask]
Wendy: (Sounding angry) It's no big deal.  You're the parent, right?
You: From the way you say that, it sounds like it's a big deal. [Mirror] [...] I r w l t h w m y t I'm t t c y l. [A]
Back: Wendy: It's just that you do that a lot.  It's like you want to control my life.
You: Can we talk about that? [Ask]
Wendy: (Sounding angry) It's no big deal.  You're the parent, right?
You: From the way you say that, it sounds like it's a big deal. [Mirror] I really would like to hear what makes you think I'm trying to control your life. [Ask]

Front: Wendy: (Sounding angry) It's no big deal.  You're the parent, right?
You: From the way you say that, it sounds like it's a big deal. [Mirror] I really would like to hear what makes you think I'm trying to control your life. [Ask]
Wendy: What, so you can tell me more ways that I'm screwed up? I've finally got one friend who accepts me, and you're trying to chase him away!
You: [...] S y f l I d't a o y, a y f i o p w d? [P]
Back: Wendy: (Sounding angry) It's no big deal.  You're the parent, right?
You: From the way you say that, it sounds like it's a big deal. [Mirror] I really would like to hear what makes you think I'm trying to control your life. [Ask]
Wendy: What, so you can tell me more ways that I'm screwed up? I've finally got one friend who accepts me, and you're trying to chase him away!
You: So you feel like I don't approve of you, and your friend is one person who does? [Paraphrase]

Front: Wendy: What, so you can tell me more ways that I'm screwed up? I've finally got one friend who accepts me, and you're trying to chase him away!
You: So you feel like I don't approve of you, and your friend is one person who does? [Paraphrase]
Wendy: It's not just you.  All my friends have lots of boys who like them.  Doug's the first guy who's even called me.  I don't know--never mind.
You: [...] I c s h y'd f b w o a't g a f b a y a't.  I'd p f t s w. [P]
Back: Wendy: What, so you can tell me more ways that I'm screwed up? I've finally got one friend who accepts me, and you're trying to chase him away!
You: So you feel like I don't approve of you, and your friend is one person who does? [Paraphrase]
Wendy: It's not just you.  All my friends have lots of boys who like them.  Doug's the first guy who's even called me.  I don't know--never mind.
You: I can see how you'd feel badly when others aren't getting attention from boys and you aren't.  I'd probably feel the same way. [Paraphrase]

Front: Wendy: It's not just you.  All my friends have lots of boys who like them.  Doug's the first guy who's even called me.  I don't know--never mind.
You: I can see how you'd feel badly when others aren't getting attention from boys and you aren't.  I'd probably feel the same way. [Paraphrase]
Wendy: Then how could you embarrass me like that?!
You: [...] H, I'd l t t a s a s h.  I w i p o t r y'v s d d a h o w d f i b y'r n f c a a v b b, b y p, a b o r n.  I t p o i? [P]
Back: Wendy: It's not just you.  All my friends have lots of boys who like them.  Doug's the first guy who's even called me.  I don't know--never mind.
You: I can see how you'd feel badly when others aren't getting attention from boys and you aren't.  I'd probably feel the same way. [Paraphrase]
Wendy: Then how could you embarrass me like that?!
You: Honey, I'd like to take a stab at something here.  I wonder if part of the reason you've started dressing differently and hanging out with different friends is because you're not feeling cared about and valued by boys, by your parents, and by others right now.  Is that part of it? [Prime]

Front: as you watch family and work groups take part in heated debate, what intriguing phenomenon is common?
Back: violent agreement

Front: what is violent agreement?
Back: when people actually agree on every important point, but they're still fighting

Front: what can people turn into a raging debate?
Back: subtle differences

Front: Most arguments consist of battles over the [...] of the facts and stories that people disagree over.
Back: Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percent of the facts and stories that people disagree over.

Front: While it's true that people eventually need to [...], you shouldn't start there.
Back: While it's true that people eventually need to work through differences, you shouldn't start there.

Front: While it's true that people eventually need to work through differences, you shouldn't [...].
Back: While it's true that people eventually need to work through differences, you shouldn't start there.

Front: if you completely agree with the other person's path, what should you do?
Back: say so and move on

Front: what should you not do with agreement?
Back: turn it into an argument

Front: what do we often do with even minor disagreements?
Back: jump over them like a fleeing criminal

Front: what sort of disagreements do we tend to jump all over?
Back: even minor ones

Front: how are we trained to relate to what other people say from a young age?
Back: to look for minor errors

Front: By the time you finish your education, you have [...] catching trivial differences and turning them into a major deal.
Back: By the time you finish your education, you have a virtual Ph.D. in catching trivial differences and turning them into a major deal.

Front: By the time you finish your education, you have a virtual Ph.D. in [...] and turning them into a major deal.
Back: By the time you finish your education, you have a virtual Ph.D. in catching trivial differences and turning them into a major deal.

Front: By the time you finish your education, you have a virtual Ph.D. in catching trivial differences and [...].
Back: By the time you finish your education, you have a virtual Ph.D. in catching trivial differences and turning them into a major deal.

Front: when another person offers up a suggestion (based on facts or stories), what are we often looking to do?
Back: disagree

Front: what do we often do when we find a minor difference?
Back: turn this snack into a meal and go from dialogue to violent agreement

Front: what is the "everyday game of Trivial Pursuit"?
Back: looking for trivial differences and then proclaiming them aloud

Front: what game are people who are skilled at dialogue not playing?
Back: the everyday game of Trivial Pursuit

Front: instead of playing Trivial Pursuit, what do people who are skilled at dialogue do?
Back: look for points of agreement

Front: how do people who are skilled at dialogue start when they respond to hearing a different way of looking at things?
Back: saying "I agree," and talking about the parts they agree with

Front: when the other person has merely left out an element of the argument, what will skilled people do?
Back: agree then build

Front: convert: "Wrong.  You forgot to mention..."
Back: "Absolutely.  In addition, I noticed that..."

Front: if you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, what should you do?
Back: build

Front: when should you build?
Back: when you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete

Front: what does it mean to build?
Back: point out areas of agreement and then add elements that were left out of the discussion

Front: if you do disagree, what should you do?
Back: compare your path with the other person's

Front: what should you do instead of suggesting that he is wrong?
Back: suggest that you differ

Front: what can we say about disagreements before we explore them?
Back: the other person may be wrong, but you don't know for sure until you hear both sides of the story

Front: convert: "Wrong!"
Back: "I think I see things differently.  Let me describe how."

Front: what sort (description not exact words) of opening should you use instead of "Wrong!"
Back: a tentative but candid one

Front: what do you do after you start to compare with a tentative but candid opening?
Back: use your STATE skills

Front: what two things do you want to turn your crucial conversations into?
Back: great decisions and united action

Front: what two traps you do you need to avoid to get to great decisions and united action?
Back: violated expectation and inaction

Front: after you've gotten all the meaning into the pool, what do you need to do? (principle)
D H t D
Back: Decide How to Decide

Front: four methods of decision making:
1. [...]
Back: Command

Front: four methods of decision making:
1. Command
2. [...]
Back: Consult

Front: four methods of decision making:
1. Command
2. Consult
3. [...]
Back: Vote

Front: four methods of decision making:
1. Command
2. Consult
3. Vote
4. [...]
Back: Consensus

Front: what is Command decision making?
Back: decisions are made without involving others

Front: what is Consult decision making?
Back: input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides

Front: what is Vote decision making?
Back: an agreed-upon percentage swings the decision

Front: what is Consesus decision making?
Back: everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final decision

Front: after making a decision, what should you do? (principle)
F C
Back: Finish Clearly

Front: four ways to Finish Clearly:
1. [...] d w d w b w
Back: determine who does what by when

Front: four ways to Finish Clearly:
1. determine who does what by when
2. [...] m t d c c
Back: make the deliverables crystal clear

Front: four ways to Finish Clearly:
1. determine who does what by when
2. make the deliverables crystal clear
3. [...] s a f-u t
Back: set a follow-up time

Front: four ways to Finish Clearly:
1. determine who does what by when
2. make the deliverables crystal clear
3. set a follow-up time
4. [...] h p a t t p
Back: hold people accountable to their promises

Front: how does having more meaning in the pool guarantee that we all agree on what to do with it?
Back: it doesn't!

Front: what does having more meaning in the pool NOT guarantee?
Back: that we all agree on what we're going to do with the meaning

Front: two reasons people fail to convert ideas into action:
1. [...]
Back: they have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made

Front: two reasons people fail to convert ideas into action:
1. they have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made
2. [...] t d a p j o a o t d t d m
Back: they do a poor job of acting on the decisions they do make

Front: when people move from adding meaning to the pool to moving to action, what sort of time is it?
Back: a prime time for new challenges to arise

Front: what questions can arise when you move from adding meaning to the pool to moving to action:
1. [...]
Back: Who is supposed to take the assignment?

Front: what questions can arise when you move from adding meaning to the pool to moving to action:
1. Who is supposed to take the assignment?
2. [...] H a w s t d i t f p?
Back: How are we supposed to decide in the first place?

Front: how can answering "Who is supposed to take the assignment" be?
Back: controversial

Front: how can answering "How are we supposed to decide in the first place" be?
Back: emotional

Front: having skill in dialogue means that you will refuse what?
Back: the Sucker's Choice

Front: do most people make progress with crucial conversations by focusing on specific skills?
Back: no

Front: how do most people make progress with crucial conversations (to start with)?
Back: by applying two of the main principles in the book

Front: what is the first lever for positive change in crucial conversations?
Back: Learn to Look

Front: what do people who improve their dialogue skills continually ask themselves?
Back: whether they're in or out of dialogue

Front: doing what alone can make a huge difference in dialogue?
Back: learning to look

Front: crucial conversations: even if we don't know how to fix the specific problem we're facing, what can we know?
Back: that if we're not in dialogue, it can't be good

Front: realizing that we're not in dialogue and it's not good, what can we do? (very general)
Back: try something to get back to dialogue

Front: what question about crucial conversations is a wonderful start?
Back: "Are we playing games or are we in dialogue?"

Front: how do many people get additional help in learning to look?
Back: from their friends

Front: what is perhaps the most common way that the language of dialogue finds itself into everyday conversation?
Back: "I think we've moved away from dialogue."

Front: what does the simple reminder that "I think we've moved away from dialogue" help prevent?
Back: it helps people catch themselves early on, before the damage is severe

Front: two sentences to say to acknowledge that you've moved away from dialogue:
1. [...]
2. I'm sorry.  I have been trying to force my ideas on you.
Back: two sentences to say to acknowledge that you've moved away from dialogue:
1. You're right.  I'm not telling you what needs to be said.
2. I'm sorry.  I have been trying to force my ideas on you.

Front: two ways to acknowledge that you've moved away from dialogue:
1. You're right.  I'm not telling you what needs to be said.
2. [...]
Back: I'm sorry.  I have been trying to force my ideas on you.

Front: what is the second crucial conversations lever?
Back: Make It Safe

Front: what is the number one flow stopper in dialogue?
Back: lack of safety

Front: what does dialogue consist of?
Back: the free flow of meaning

Front: when you notice that you and others have moved away from dialogue, what should you do? (very general)
Back: something to make it safer

Front: what can you do to make it safer?
Back: Anything.

Front: what does Crucial Conversations say the skills it presents for making things safer are?
Back: they're merely a handful of common practices

Front: what are the skills for making things safer presented in Crucial Conversations NOT?
Back: immutable principles

Front: If you simply [...] that your challenge is to make it safer, nine out of ten times you'll intuitively do something that helps.
Back: If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, nine out of ten times you'll intuitively do something that helps.

Front: If you simply realize that your challenge is to [...], nine out of ten times you'll intuitively do something that helps.
Back: If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, nine out of ten times you'll intuitively do something that helps.

Front: If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, [...] you'll intuitively do something that helps.
Back: If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, nine out of ten times you'll intuitively do something that helps.

Front: If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, nine out of ten times you'll [...].
Back: If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, nine out of ten times you'll intuitively do something that helps.

Front: Sometimes an [...] can communicate safety.
Back: Sometimes an appropriate touch can communicate safety.

Front: [...], smiles, even a request for a brief "time out" can help restore safety when things get dicey.
Back: Apologies, smiles, even a request for a brief "time out" can help restore safety when things get dicey.

Front: Apologies, [...], even a request for a brief "time out" can help restore safety when things get dicey.
Back: Apologies, smiles, even a request for a brief "time out" can help restore safety when things get dicey.

Front: Apologies, smiles, even a [...] can help restore safety when things get dicey.
Back: Apologies, smiles, even a request for a brief "time out" can help restore safety when things get dicey.

Front: Apologies, smiles, even a request for a brief "time out" can help [...] when things get dicey.
Back: Apologies, smiles, even a request for a brief "time out" can help restore safety when things get dicey.

Front: Apologies, smiles, even a request for a brief "time out" can help restore safety when things get [...].
Back: Apologies, smiles, even a request for a brief "time out" can help restore safety when things get dicey.

Front: what does the pool of meaning represent?
Back: people's best collective thinking

Front: when meaning flows freely, where does it go?
Back: it finds its way into the Pool of Shared Meaning

Front: what surrounds the Pool of Shared Meaning?
Back: safety

Front: [...] allows us to share meaning and keeps us from moving into silence or violence.
Back: Safety allows us to share meaning and keeps us from moving into silence or violence.

Front: Safety allows us to [...] and keeps us from moving into silence or violence.
Back: Safety allows us to share meaning and keeps us from moving into silence or violence.

Front: Safety allows us to share meaning and keeps us from moving into [...].
Back: Safety allows us to share meaning and keeps us from moving into silence or violence.

Front: When conversations become [...], safety must be strong.
Back: When conversations become crucial, safety must be strong.

Front: When conversations become crucial, [...] must be strong.
Back: When conversations become crucial, safety must be strong.

Front: When conversations become crucial, safety must be [...].
Back: When conversations become crucial, safety must be strong.

Front: When we see the either [...] or similar ones, we know that safety is weak.
Back: When we see the either the six violence and silence behaviors or similar ones, we know that safety is weak.

Front: When we see the either the six violence and silence behaviors or [...], we know that safety is weak.
Back: When we see the either the six violence and silence behaviors or similar ones, we know that safety is weak.

Front: When we see the either the six violence and silence behaviors or similar ones, we know that [...]. (not that we've moved away from dialogue--why)
Back: When we see the either the six violence and silence behaviors or similar ones, we know that safety is weak.

Front: what is safety being weak a cue to do? (several steps)
Back: step out of the content of the conversation, strengthen saftey, and then step back in

Front: what should you NOT do to make things safer?
Back: back away or weaken the argument

Front: The [...] from dialogue into silence or violence, the harder it is to get back and the greater the costs.
Back: The further you move from dialogue into silence or violence, the harder it is to get back and the greater the costs.

Front: The further you move from [...] into silence or violence, the harder it is to get back and the greater the costs.
Back: The further you move from dialogue into silence or violence, the harder it is to get back and the greater the costs.

Front: The further you move from dialogue into [...], the harder it is to get back and the greater the costs.
Back: The further you move from dialogue into silence or violence, the harder it is to get back and the greater the costs.

Front: The further you move from dialogue into silence or violence, the [...] to get back and the greater the costs.
Back: The further you move from dialogue into silence or violence, the harder it is to get back and the greater the costs.

Front: The further you move from dialogue into silence or violence, the harder it is to [...] and the greater the costs.
Back: The further you move from dialogue into silence or violence, the harder it is to get back and the greater the costs.

Front: The further you move from dialogue into silence or violence, the harder it is to get back and the [...].
Back: The further you move from dialogue into silence or violence, the harder it is to get back and the greater the costs.

Front: when the two arrows in the dialogue model begin to point upward or downard, what does that mean?
Back: either you or others are starting to play games

Front: When you see yourself [...], Start with Heart.
Back: When you see yourself drifting to silence or violence, Start with Heart.

Front: When you see yourself drifting to silence or violence, [...] (principle to use).
Back: When you see yourself drifting to silence or violence, Start with Heart.

Front: When your [...] and taking control of the conversation, use the Master My Stories principle to bring your arrow back to the Pool of Shared Meaning.
Back: When your emotions start running strong and taking control of the conversation, use the Master My Stories principle to bring your arrow back to the Pool of Shared Meaning.

Front: When your emotions start running strong and [...], use the Master My Stories principle to bring your arrow back to the Pool of Shared Meaning.
Back: When your emotions start running strong and taking control of the conversation, use the Master My Stories principle to bring your arrow back to the Pool of Shared Meaning.

Front: When your emotions start running strong and taking control of the conversation, use the [...] principle to bring your arrow back to the Pool of Shared Meaning.
Back: When your emotions start running strong and taking control of the conversation, use the Master My Stories principle to bring your arrow back to the Pool of Shared Meaning.

Front: When your emotions start running strong and taking control of the conversation, use the Master My Stories principle to [...] to the Pool of Shared Meaning.
Back: When your emotions start running strong and taking control of the conversation, use the Master My Stories principle to bring your arrow back to the Pool of Shared Meaning.

Front: When your emotions start running strong and taking control of the conversation, use the Master My Stories principle to bring your arrow back to the [...].
Back: When your emotions start running strong and taking control of the conversation, use the Master My Stories principle to bring your arrow back to the Pool of Shared Meaning.

Front: When you [...], retrace your Path to Action, watch for clever stories, and tell the rest of the story.
Back: When you find yourself in silence or violence, retrace your Path to Action, watch for clever stories, and tell the rest of the story.

Front: When you find yourself in silence or violence, [...], watch for clever stories, and tell the rest of the story.
Back: When you find yourself in silence or violence, retrace your Path to Action, watch for clever stories, and tell the rest of the story.

Front: When you find yourself in silence or violence, retrace your Path to Action, [...], and tell the rest of the story.
Back: When you find yourself in silence or violence, retrace your Path to Action, watch for clever stories, and tell the rest of the story.

Front: When you find yourself in silence or violence, retrace your Path to Action, watch for clever stories, and [...].
Back: When you find yourself in silence or violence, retrace your Path to Action, watch for clever stories, and tell the rest of the story.

Front: When others [...], Make It Safe.
Back: When others move to silence or volience, Make It Safe.

Front: When others move to silence or volience, we should [...]. (principle)
Back: When others move to silence or volience, we should Make It Safe.

Front: We [...] by following our Path to Action.
Back: We share our own sensitive or controversial views by following our Path to Action.

Front: We share our own sensitive or controversial views by [...].
Back: We share our own sensitive or controversial views by following our Path to Action.

Front: We [...] first and then tentatively share our story.
Back: We share the facts first and then tentatively share our story.

Front: We share the facts first and then [...] (how?) share our story.
Back: We share the facts first and then tentatively share our story.

Front: We share the facts first and then tentatively [...].
Back: We share the facts first and then tentatively share our story.

Front: We then [...] by encouraging others to share their story--especially if it's different from our own.
Back: We then demonstrate we're serious about dialogue by encouraging others to share their story--especially if it's different from our own.

Front: We then demonstrate we're serious about dialogue by [...]--especially if it's different from our own.
Back: We then demonstrate we're serious about dialogue by encouraging others to share their story--especially if it's different from our own.

Front: We then demonstrate we're serious about dialogue by encouraging others to share their story--especially if [...].
Back: We then demonstrate we're serious about dialogue by encouraging others to share their story--especially if it's different from our own.

Front: To [...], we Explore Others' Paths.
Back: To help others share their meaning, we Explore Others' Paths.

Front: To help others share their meaning, we [...] (the principle).
Back: To help others share their meaning, we Explore Others' Paths.

Front: We [...] (acronym) as needed to get to their feelings, stories, and facts.
Back: We ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime (AMPP) as needed to get to their feelings, stories, and facts.

Front: We ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime (AMPP) [...] to get to their feelings, stories, and facts.
Back: We ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime (AMPP) as needed to get to their feelings, stories, and facts.

Front: We ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime (AMPP) as needed to get to their [...], stories, and facts.
Back: We ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime (AMPP) as needed to get to their feelings, stories, and facts.

Front: We ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime (AMPP) as needed to get to their feelings, [...], and facts.
Back: We ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime (AMPP) as needed to get to their feelings, stories, and facts.

Front: We ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime (AMPP) as needed to get to their feelings, stories, and [...].
Back: We ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime (AMPP) as needed to get to their feelings, stories, and facts.

Front: As we [...], we demonstrate that their concerns are discussable--that dialogue can actually work.
Back: As we use our AMPP skills effectively, we demonstrate that their concerns are discussable--that dialogue can actually work.

Front: As we use our AMPP skills effectively, we [...] that their concerns are discussable--that dialogue can actually work.
Back: As we use our AMPP skills effectively, we demonstrate that their concerns are discussable--that dialogue can actually work.

Front: As we use our AMPP skills effectively, we demonstrate that [...] are discussable--that dialogue can actually work.
Back: As we use our AMPP skills effectively, we demonstrate that their concerns are discussable--that dialogue can actually work.

Front: As we use our AMPP skills effectively, we demonstrate that their concerns are [...]--that dialogue can actually work.
Back: As we use our AMPP skills effectively, we demonstrate that their concerns are discussable--that dialogue can actually work.

Front: As we use our AMPP skills effectively, we demonstrate that their concerns are discussable--[...].
Back: As we use our AMPP skills effectively, we demonstrate that their concerns are discussable--that dialogue can actually work.

Front: demonstrating what can help others feel safer surrendering their silence and violence and joining us in dialogue?
Back: that their concerns are discussable

Front: Finally, with the [...], we Move to Action.
Back: Finally, with the Pool of Shared Meaning full, we Move to Action.

Front: Finally, with the Pool of Shared Meaning full, we [...] (principle).
Back: Finally, with the Pool of Shared Meaning full, we Move to Action.

Front: We ensure that we are [...] about how decisions are being made and about what the decisions are.
Back: We ensure that we are clear about how decisions are being made and about what the decisions are.

Front: We ensure that we are clear about [...] and about what the decisions are.
Back: We ensure that we are clear about how decisions are being made and about what the decisions are.

Front: We ensure that we are clear about how decisions are being made and about [...].
Back: We ensure that we are clear about how decisions are being made and about what the decisions are.

Front: And we [...] to ensure that dialogue leads to positive actions and results.
Back: And we follow up to ensure that dialogue leads to positive actions and results.

Front: And we follow up to ensure that [...] leads to positive actions and results.
Back: And we follow up to ensure that dialogue leads to positive actions and results.

Front: And we follow up to ensure that dialogue leads to [...] and results.
Back: And we follow up to ensure that dialogue leads to positive actions and results.

Front: And we follow up to ensure that dialogue leads to positive actions and [...].
Back: And we follow up to ensure that dialogue leads to positive actions and results.

Front: questions to ask using the Dialogue Model to diagnose what's going on:
1. [...]
Back: Where am I?

Front: questions to ask using the Dialogue Model to diagnose what's going on:
1. Where am I?
2. [...]
Back: Where are others?

Front: questions to ask using the Dialogue Model to diagnose what's going on:
1. Where am I?
2. Where are others?
3. [...]
Back: Are we in dialogue or in some form of silence or violence?

Front: after asking the three questions about where you are, what can you use the Dialogue Model to ask next?
Back: Where do I want to be?  Where do I want others to be?

Front: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. [...]
Back: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart

Front: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. [...]
Back: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look

Front: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. [...]
Back: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. Make It Safe

Front: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. Make It Safe
4. [...]
Back: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. Make It Safe
4. Master Stories

Front: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. Make It Safe
4. Master Stories
5. [...]
Back: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. Make It Safe
4. Master Stories
5. STATE My Path

Front: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. Make It Safe
4. Master Stories
5. STATE My Path
6. [...]
Back: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. Make It Safe
4. Master Stories
5. STATE My Path
6. Explore Others' Paths

Front: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. Make It Safe
4. Master Stories
5. STATE My Path
6. Explore Others' Paths
7. [...]
Back: Crucial Conversation principles:
1. Start with Heart
2. Learn to Look
3. Make It Safe
4. Master Stories
5. STATE My Path
6. Explore Others' Paths
7. Move to Action

Front: you: We have to sell the summer cottage.  We never use it, and we need the cash to pay for my expenses from taking care of Mom the past four years.
sister: Please don't start with the guilt.  I sent you money every month to help take care of Mom.  If I didn't have to travel for my jobs, you know I would have wanted her at my house.
what can you notice?
Back: Emotions are already getting strong.  You're getting defensive, and your sister seems to be angry.  You're in a crucial conversation and it's not going well.

Front: you: We have to sell the summer cottage.  We never use it, and we need the cash to pay for my expenses from taking care of Mom the past four years.
sister: Please don't start with the guilt.  I sent you money every month to help take care of Mom.  If I didn't have to travel for my jobs, you know I would have wanted her at my house.
it's not going well--what's the first principle you should use?
Back: Start with Heart

Front: you: We have to sell the summer cottage.  We never use it, and we need the cash to pay for my expenses from taking care of Mom the past four years.
sister: Please don't start with the guilt.  I sent you money every month to help take care of Mom.  If I didn't have to travel for my jobs, you know I would have wanted her at my house.
when you Start with Heart, what do you ask yourself?
Back: what you really want

Front: you: We have to sell the summer cottage.  We never use it, and we need the cash to pay for my expenses from taking care of Mom the past four years.
sister: Please don't start with the guilt.  I sent you money every month to help take care of Mom.  If I didn't have to travel for my jobs, you know I would have wanted her at my house.
when you ask yourself what you really want, what do you say?
Back: You want to be compensated fairly for the extra time and money you put in that your sister didn't.  You also want to keep a good relationship with your sister.

Front: you've decided that:
You want to be compensated fairly for the extra time and money you put in that your sister didn't.  You also want to keep a good relationship with your sister.
what now?
Back: you avoid making the Sucker's Choice and ask, "How can I tell her that I want to be compensated fairly for the extra effort and expense I put in and keep a good relationship?"

Front: you: We have to sell the summer cottage.  We never use it, and we need the cash to pay for my expenses from taking care of Mom the past four years.
sister: Please don't start with the guilt.  I sent you money every month to help take care of Mom.  If I didn't have to travel for my jobs, you know I would have wanted her at my house.
after you've refused the Sucker's Choice, what principle do you apply?
Back: Learn to Look

Front: you: We have to sell the summer cottage.  We never use it, and we need the cash to pay for my expenses from taking care of Mom the past four years.
sister: Please don't start with the guilt.  I sent you money every month to help take care of Mom.  If I didn't have to travel for my jobs, you know I would have wanted her at my house.
what do you see when you Learn to Look?
(what's going on and what's not?)
Back: you recognize a lack of Mutual Purpose--you're both trying to defend your actions rather than discuss the estate

Front: you: We have to sell the summer cottage.  We never use it, and we need the cash to pay for my expenses from taking care of Mom the past four years.
sister: Please don't start with the guilt.  I sent you money every month to help take care of Mom.  If I didn't have to travel for my jobs, you know I would have wanted her at my house.
what do you do after you've recognized your lack of Mutual Purpose?
Back: Contrast to help your sister understand your purpose.

Front: you: We have to sell the summer cottage.  We never use it, and we need the cash to pay for my expenses from taking care of Mom the past four years.
sister: Please don't start with the guilt.  I sent you money every month to help take care of Mom.  If I didn't have to travel for my jobs, you know I would have wanted her at my house.
you: [...] I d't w t s a a o t t m y f g.  B I d w t t a b c f s m o t r o t l f y.  I l M, b i p q a s o m f a e.
Back: I don't want to start an argument or try to make you feel guilty.  But I do want to talk about being compensated for shouldering most of the responsibility over the last few years.  I love Mom, but it put quite a strain on me financially and emotionally.

Front: you: I don't want to start an argument or try to make you feel guilty.  But I do want to talk about being compensated for shouldering most of the responsibility over the last few years.  I love Mom, but it put quite a strain on me financially and emotionally.
sister: What makes you think you did so much more than I did?
what principle do you apply here first?
Back: Master My Stories

Front: you: I don't want to start an argument or try to make you feel guilty.  But I do want to talk about being compensated for shouldering most of the responsibility over the last few years.  I love Mom, but it put quite a strain on me financially and emotionally.
sister: What makes you think you did so much more than I did?
how do you apply Master My Stories here?
Back: You're telling yourself that you deserve more because you did more to care for your mother and cover unplanned expenses.  Retrace your Path to Action to find out what facts are behind the story you're telling that's making you angry.

Front: you: I don't want to start an argument or try to make you feel guilty.  But I do want to talk about being compensated for shouldering most of the responsibility over the last few years.  I love Mom, but it put quite a strain on me financially and emotionally.
sister: What makes you think you did so much more than I did?
once you've figured out the story you're telling yourself, what principle do you apply?
Back: STATE My Path

Front: you: I don't want to start an argument or try to make you feel guilty.  But I do want to talk about being compensated for shouldering most of the responsibility over the last few years.  I love Mom, but it put quite a strain on me financially and emotionally.
sister: What makes you think you did so much more than I did?
what are you hoping to accomplish by using STATE My Path in the right way?
Back: You need to share your facts and conclusions with your sister in a way that will make her feel safe telling her story.

Front: you: I don't want to start an argument or try to make you feel guilty.  But I do want to talk about being compensated for shouldering most of the responsibility over the last few years.  I love Mom, but it put quite a strain on me financially and emotionally.
sister: What makes you think you did so much more than I did?
you: [...] I's j t I s a l o m t c o M a d a l o w c f h i o b i a n.  I k y c a M t, b I h f l I d m i t d-t-d c t y d, a i o s f t u s o w s l u t r p o w I s.  D y s i d?  I'd r l t h.
Back: It's just that I spent a lot of money taking care of Mom and did a lot of work caring for her instead of bringing in a nurse.  I know you cared about Mom too, but I honestly feel like I did more in the day-to-day caregiving than you did, and it only seems fair to use some of what she left us to repay part of what I spent.  Do you see it differently?  I'd really like to hear.

Front: you: It's just that I spent a lot of money taking care of Mom and did a lot of work caring for her instead of bringing in a nurse.  I know you cared about Mom too, but I honestly feel like I did more in the day-to-day caregiving than you did, and it only seems fair to use some of what she left us to repay part of what I spent.  Do you see it differently?  I'd really like to hear.
sister: Okay, fine.  Why don't you just send me a bill.
what can you notice about the situation now?
Back: It sounds as though your sister isn't really okay with this arrangement.  You can tell her voice is tense and her tone is one of giving in, not of true agreement.

Front: you: It's just that I spent a lot of money taking care of Mom and did a lot of work caring for her instead of bringing in a nurse.  I know you cared about Mom too, but I honestly feel like I did more in the day-to-day caregiving than you did, and it only seems fair to use some of what she left us to repay part of what I spent.  Do you see it differently?  I'd really like to hear.
sister: Okay, fine.  Why don't you just send me a bill.
what principle do you use here?
Back: Explore Others' Paths

Front: you: It's just that I spent a lot of money taking care of Mom and did a lot of work caring for her instead of bringing in a nurse.  I know you cared about Mom too, but I honestly feel like I did more in the day-to-day caregiving than you did, and it only seems fair to use some of what she left us to repay part of what I spent.  Do you see it differently?  I'd really like to hear.
sister: Okay, fine.  Why don't you just send me a bill.
what should you keep in mind when using Explore Others' Paths here?
Back: Since part of your objective is to maintain a good relationship with your sister, it's important that she add her meaning to the pool.

Front: you: It's just that I spent a lot of money taking care of Mom and did a lot of work caring for her instead of bringing in a nurse.  I know you cared about Mom too, but I honestly feel like I did more in the day-to-day caregiving than you did, and it only seems fair to use some of what she left us to repay part of what I spent.  Do you see it differently?  I'd really like to hear.
sister: Okay, fine.  Why don't you just send me a bill.
what do you use to effectively Explore Others' Paths?
Back: the AMPP skills

Front: you: It's just that I spent a lot of money taking care of Mom and did a lot of work caring for her instead of bringing in a nurse.  I know you cared about Mom too, but I honestly feel like I did more in the day-to-day caregiving than you did, and it only seems fair to use some of what she left us to repay part of what I spent.  Do you see it differently?  I'd really like to hear.
sister: Okay, fine.  Why don't you just send me a bill.
you: [...]
Back: The way you say that makes it sound like maybe that suggestion isn't okay with you. [Mirror]

Front: you: It's just that I spent a lot of money taking care of Mom and did a lot of work caring for her instead of bringing in a nurse.  I know you cared about Mom too, but I honestly feel like I did more in the day-to-day caregiving than you did, and it only seems fair to use some of what she left us to repay part of what I spent.  Do you see it differently?  I'd really like to hear.
sister: Okay, fine.  Why don't you just send me a bill.
you: The way you say that makes it sound like maybe that suggestion isn't okay with you. [Mirror] [...]
Back: Is there something I'm missing? [Ask]

Front: sister: Okay, fine.  Why don't you just send me a bill.
you: The way you say that makes it sound like maybe that suggestion isn't okay with you. [Mirror] Is there something I'm missing? [Ask]
sister: No--if you feel like you deserve more than I do, you're probably right.
you: [...]
Back: Do you think I'm being unfair?  That I'm not acknowledging your contributions? [Prime]

Front: sister: No--if you feel like you deserve more than I do, you're probably right.
you: Do you think I'm being unfair?  That I'm not acknowledging your contributions? [Prime]
sister: It's just that I know I wasn't around much in the last couple of years.  I had to travel a lot for work.  But I still visited whenever I could, and I sent money every month to help contribute to Mom's care.  I offered to pay to help contribute to Mom's care.  I offered to pay to bring in a nurse if you thought it was necessary.  I didn't know you felt you had an unfair share of the responsibility, and it seems like your asking for more money is coming out of nowhere.
you: [...]
Back: So you feel like you were doing everything you could to help out and are surprised that I feel like I should be compensated? [Paraphrase]

Front: you: So you feel like you were doing everything you could to help out and are surprised that I feel like I should be compensated? [Paraphrase]
sister: Well, yes.
what is the situation at this point in the conversation?
Back: You understand our sister's story now and still disagree to a point.

Front: you: So you feel like you were doing everything you could to help out and are surprised that I feel like I should be compensated? [Paraphrase]
sister: Well, yes.
what skills should you use here to do what?
Back: Use the ABC skills to explain how your view differs.

Front: you: So you feel like you were doing everything you could to help out and are surprised that I feel like I should be compensated? [Paraphrase]
sister: Well, yes.
how do you use your ABC skills here? (not exact words--high-level description)
Back: You agree in part with how your sister sees things.  Use building to emphasize what you agree with and to bring up what you differ on.

Front: sister: It's just that I know I wasn't around much in the last couple of years.  I had to travel a lot for work.  But I still visited whenever I could, and I sent money every month to help contribute to Mom's care.  I offered to pay to help contribute to Mom's care.  I offered to pay to bring in a nurse if you thought it was necessary.  I didn't know you felt you had an unfair share of the responsibility, and it seems like your asking for more money is coming out of nowhere.
you: So you feel like you were doing everything you could to help out and are surprised that I feel like I should be compensated? [Paraphrase]
sister: Well, yes.
you: [...] Y'r r.  Y d a l t h o, a I r t i w e t v a o a y d.  I o n t p f p h h c b M w m c w m t c o h, a I d't m t.  O t o t, t w s i e i d't s l y w a o.  T n m s w o d t l e m w t a e a t o, a t i o c a p o h h s.  I a u.
Back: You're right.  You did a lot to help out, and I realize that it was expensive to visit as often as you did.  I opted not to pay for professional home health care because Mom was more comfortable with me taking care of her, and I didn't mind that.  On top of that, there were some incidental expenses it doesn't sound like you were aware of.  The new medication she was on during the last eighteen months was twice as expensive as the old, and the insurance only covered a percentage of her hospital stays.  It adds up.

Front: you: You're right.  You did a lot to help out, and I realize that it was expensive to visit as often as you did.  I opted not to pay for professional home health care because Mom was more comfortable with me taking care of her, and I didn't mind that.  On top of that, there were some incidental expenses it doesn't sound like you were aware of.  The new medication she was on during the last eighteen months was twice as expensive as the old, and the insurance only covered a percentage of her hospital stays.  It adds up.
sister: So it's these expenses you're worried about covering?  Could we go over these expenses to decide how to cover them?
what principle do you need to use here?
Back: Move to Action

Front: you: You're right.  You did a lot to help out, and I realize that it was expensive to visit as often as you did.  I opted not to pay for professional home health care because Mom was more comfortable with me taking care of her, and I didn't mind that.  On top of that, there were some incidental expenses it doesn't sound like you were aware of.  The new medication she was on during the last eighteen months was twice as expensive as the old, and the insurance only covered a percentage of her hospital stays.  It adds up.
sister: So it's these expenses you're worried about covering?  Could we go over these expenses to decide how to cover them?
what do you hope to accomplish by using Move to Action?
Back: You want to create a definite plan for being reimbursed for these expenses, and you want it to be one you both agree on.

Front: you: You're right.  You did a lot to help out, and I realize that it was expensive to visit as often as you did.  I opted not to pay for professional home health care because Mom was more comfortable with me taking care of her, and I didn't mind that.  On top of that, there were some incidental expenses it doesn't sound like you were aware of.  The new medication she was on during the last eighteen months was twice as expensive as the old, and the insurance only covered a percentage of her hospital stays.  It adds up.
sister: So it's these expenses you're worried about covering?  Could we go over these expenses to decide how to cover them?
what do you need to do as you Move to Action?
(four italicized things)
Back: Come to a consensus about what will happen, and document who does what by when, and settle on a way to follow up.

Front: you: You're right.  You did a lot to help out, and I realize that it was expensive to visit as often as you did.  I opted not to pay for professional home health care because Mom was more comfortable with me taking care of her, and I didn't mind that.  On top of that, there were some incidental expenses it doesn't sound like you were aware of.  The new medication she was on during the last eighteen months was twice as expensive as the old, and the insurance only covered a percentage of her hospital stays.  It adds up.
sister: So it's these expenses you're worried about covering?  Could we go over these expenses to decide how to cover them?
you: [...]
Back: I've kept a record of all the expenses that went over the amount that both of us agreed to contribute.  Can we sit down tomorrow to go over those and talk about what's fair to reimburse me for?

Front: sister: So it's these expenses you're worried about covering?  Could we go over these expenses to decide how to cover them?
you: I've kept a record of all the expenses that went over the amount that both of us agreed to contribute.  Can we sit down tomorrow to go over those and talk about what's fair to reimburse me for?
sister: [...]
Back: Okay.  we'll talk about the estate and write up a plan for how to divide things up.

Front: what sort of problems do the dialogue skills in Crucial Conversations apply to?
Back: just about any problem you can imagine

Front: what is the best way to deal with sexual harassment?
Back: discuss them privately, respectfully, and firmly

Front: if you discuss sexual harassment privately, respectfully, and firmly, what will usually happen?
Back: the vast majority of these problems will go away

Front: what is the biggest challenge in discussing sexual harassment?
Back: the respect part

Front: what will you start doing if you tolerate sexual harassment for too long?
Back: you'll be inclined to tell a more and more potent Villain story about the offender

Front: what is the consequence of telling a potent Villain story about someone who has been sexually harassing you?
Back: it will jack up your emotions to the point that you'll go in with guns blazing--even if only through your body language

Front: what will help you treat someone who has been sexually harassing you as a reasonable, rational, and decent person?
Back: telling the rest of the story

Front: how can you tell the rest of the story about sexual harassment?
Back: if you're tolerated the behavior for a long time before holding the conversation, own up to it

Front: when are you ready to begin talking to someone about sexual harassment?
Back: when you feel a measure of respect for the other person

Front: what can you say to establish a mutual purpose for talking about sexual harassment?
Back: "I'd like to talk about something that's getting in the way of working with you.  It's a tough issue to bring up, but I think it'll help us be better teammates if I do.  Is that okay?"

Front: what can you say to STATE your path about sexual harrasment?
"W I w i y o, s y e m u a d m b.  A w I s n t y a a c, s y p y a a t b o m c.  I d't k t y'r a y'r d t t, s I t I'd b t u b t s a m t m m u.  H d y s i?"
Back: "When I walk into your office, sometimes your eyes move up and down my body.  And when I sit next to you at a computer, sometimes you put your arm around the back of my chair.  I don't know that you're aware you're doing these things, so I thought I'd bring them up because they send a message that makes me uncomfortable.  How do you see it?"

Front: when couples live in silence instead of telling each other stuff, what is this generally a problem of?
Back: not knowing how to STATE your path

Front: when something about your spouse bothers you, when should you address it?
Back: catch it early

Front: in addition to STATE, what can help you address difficult issues with your spouse?
Back: Contrasting

Front: what's an example of Contrasting to bring up something difficult with your spouse?
Back: "I'm not trying to blow this out of proportion.  I just want to deal with it before it gets out of hand."

Front: what's an example of describing specific behaviors you've observed in your spouse?
Back: "When Jimmy leaves his room a mess, you use sarcasm to get his attention.  You call him a 'pig', and then laugh as if you didn't mean it."

Front: what's an example of tentatively explaining the consequences of your spouses behavior?
Back: "I don't think it's having the effect you want.  He doesn't pick up on the hint, and I'm afraid he's starting to resent you."

Front: what's an example of encouraging testing with your spouse?
Back: "Do you see it differently?"

Front: when you STATE things well and others become defensive, what should you refuse to do?
Back: conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss

Front: when you STATE things well and others become defensive, what should you do?
Back: think harder about your approach, make sure your partner feels safe, and candily STATE your view again

Front: what do spouses miss out on when they stop giving each other helpful feedback?
Back: the help of a lifelong confidant and coach

Front: what can spouses help each other do if they give each other helpful feedback?
Back: communicate more effectively

Front: how can you lose out on the help of a lifelong confidant and coach?
Back: when spouses stop giving each other helpful feedback

Front: If team members see others violate a team agreement, what should they do?
Back: speak up immediately and directly

Front: It's [...] to wait for or expect the boss to do what good teammates should do themselves.
Back: It's dangerous to wait for or expect the boss to do what good teammates should do themselves.

Front: It's dangerous to [...] the boss to do what good teammates should do themselves.
Back: It's dangerous to wait for or expect the boss to do what good teammates should do themselves.

Front: It's dangerous to wait for or expect [...] to do what good teammates should do themselves.
Back: It's dangerous to wait for or expect the boss to do what good teammates should do themselves.

Front: It's dangerous to wait for or expect the boss to do [...].
Back: It's dangerous to wait for or expect the boss to do what good teammates should do themselves.

Front: If [...] isn't doing what you think he or she should, it's up to you to speak up.
Back: If your teammate isn't doing what you think he or she should, it's up to you to speak up.

Front: If your teammate [...], it's up to you to speak up.
Back: If your teammate isn't doing what you think he or she should, it's up to you to speak up.

Front: If your teammate isn't doing what you think he or she should, it's [...] to speak up.
Back: If your teammate isn't doing what you think he or she should, it's up to you to speak up.

Front: If your teammate isn't doing what you think he or she should, it's up to you to [...].
Back: If your teammate isn't doing what you think he or she should, it's up to you to speak up.

Front: When teams try to [...], they need to be prepared to address the problem when a team member doesn't live up to the agreement.
Back: When teams try to rally around aggressive change or bold new initiatives, they need to be prepared to address the problem when a team member doesn't live up to the agreement.

Front: When teams try to rally around aggressive change or bold new initiatives, they need to [...] when a team member doesn't live up to the agreement.
Back: When teams try to rally around aggressive change or bold new initiatives, they need to be prepared to address the problem when a team member doesn't live up to the agreement.

Front: When teams try to rally around aggressive change or bold new initiatives, they need to be prepared to address the problem when [...].
Back: When teams try to rally around aggressive change or bold new initiatives, they need to be prepared to address the problem when a team member doesn't live up to the agreement.

Front: when leaders face deference, what two mistakes do they typically make one of?
Back: they misdiagnose the cause (fear), or they try to banish deference with a brash command

Front: why do leaders who cause fear often deny it?
Back: they haven't Learned to Look and they're unaware af their Style Under Stress

Front: if leaders are getting deference and they're not causing it, what is probably going on?
Back: they're living with ghosts of previous leaders

Front: if you're getting deference, what should you do before you do anything else?
Back: find out if you're the cause, if you're living with ghosts of bosses past, or both

Front: classify: "It seems to me that you're agreeing with me because I'm the boss and not because what I'm saying makes sense."
"Absolutely"
"I'd prefer that you stop deferring to me and simply listen to the idea."
"Okay.  whatever you say, Boss!"
Back: an attempt to command away deferring

Front: if people are deferring to you, what do you need to figure out? (after whether it's you or ghosts of past leaders)
Back: your own part in the problem

Front: if people are deferring to you, how can you get good information about what you're doing?
Back: consult with a peer who watches you in action and ask for honest feedback

Front: if your problem with people deferring stems from ghosts, what should you do?
Back: go public by describing the problem in a group or team meeting and asking for advice

Front: when people express an opinion contrary to yours, what should you do?
Back: thank them for their honesty

Front: if you can't get others to disagree with you, what can you do?
Back: disagree with yourself

Front: what should you let people know to help them stop deferring to you?
Back: that all ideas are open to question

Front: if people are too scared to bring up concerns with you there, what might you need to do?
Back: leave the room to give people some breathing space

Front: is trust something you have or don't have?
Back: no

Front: Assuming that [...] puts too much pressure on trust.
Back: Assuming that you either trust someone or you don't puts too much pressure on trust.

Front: Assuming that you either trust someone or you don't [...].
Back: Assuming that you either trust someone or you don't puts too much pressure on trust.

Front: does trust have to be universally offered?
Back: no

Front: what is the true nature of how trust usually is? (two things)
Back: it's usually offered in degrees and is very topic specific

Front: what are the two flavors of trust?
Back: motive and ability

Front: what should you deal with trust around?
Back: the issue

Front: what should you not try to deal with trust around?
Back: the person

Front: When it comes to [...], don't set the bar too high.
Back: When it comes to regaining trust in others, don't set the bar too high.

Front: When it comes to regaining trust in others, don't [...].
Back: When it comes to regaining trust in others, don't set the bar too high.

Front: if someone has earned your mistrust in one area, what should you avoid doing?
Back: letting it bleed over into your overall perception of their character

Front: what will happen if you tell a Villain Story that exaggerates others' untrustworthiness?
Back: you'll act in ways that help them justify themselves in being even less worthy of trust

Front: if others don't want to talk about tough issues, why is it?
Back: because they believe it won't do any good

Front: [...] intent from outcome.
Back: Separate intent from outcome.

Front: Separate [...] from outcome.
Back: Separate intent from outcome.

Front: Separate intent from [...].
Back: Separate intent from outcome.

Front: what can you say to separate intent from outcome?
Back: "I'm pretty sure you're not intending to..."

Front: if someone seems consistently unwilling to talk about his personal issues, what should you do?
Back: learn how to Explore Others' Paths

Front: every time you become aggressive or insulting, what do you do?
Back: you give the other person additional evidence that crucial conversations cause nothing but harm

Front: if you're constantly on your best dialogue behavior in a relationship, what will happen?
Back: you'll build more safety and the other person will start coming around

Front: when you see signs of improvement in dialogue, what can you do to accelerate the growth?
Back: inviting the other person to talk about how you talk

Front: what is the challenge in talking about how to talk?
Back: to build safety by establishing a compelling Mutual Purpose--a reason for having this conversation

Front: what should you share to establish a Mutual Purpose for talking about how you talk?
Back: what you think the consequences of having and not having this conversation could be (both positive and negative)

Front: once you have established Mutual Purpose, how can you start a conversation about how you talk?
Back: invite the other person to identify the topics you have a hard time discussing

Front: once you've identified topics you have a hard time discussing, what can you talk about?
Back: you can describe how you both tend to approach these topics

Front: once you've talked about how you and the other person tend to approach topics, what can you talk about?
Back: possible benefits of helping each other make improvements

Front: sometimes if you can't talk about tough topics, what can you do instead?
Back: talk about how you talk--or don't talk--about them

Front: if people simply bother you at some abstract level, how should you talk to them about it?
Back: maybe it isn't actually worthy of a conversation

Front: if people are bothering us at some abstract level, what should we keep in mind about the solution?
Back: Perhaps the problem is not their behavior but your tolerance.

Front: when other people's actions are both subtle and unacceptable, what do you have to do?
Back: retrace your Path to Aciton and put your finger on exactly what others are doing

Front: [...] peppered with your vague conclusions have no place in crucial conversations.
Back: Abstract descriptions peppered with your vague conclusions have no place in crucial conversations.

Front: Abstract descriptions peppered with your [...] have no place in crucial conversations.
Back: Abstract descriptions peppered with your vague conclusions have no place in crucial conversations.

Front: Abstract descriptions peppered with your vague conclusions have [...] in crucial conversations.
Back: Abstract descriptions peppered with your vague conclusions have no place in crucial conversations.

Front: Abstract descriptions peppered with your vague conclusions have no place in [...].
Back: Abstract descriptions peppered with your vague conclusions have no place in crucial conversations.

Front: what is the homework required for crucial conversations?
Back: clarifying the facts

Front: once you've done your homework and considered the behaviors you're noted, what should you make sure before you enter dialogue?
Back: that the story you're telling yourself about these behaviors is important enough for dialogue

Front: Most people are far more likely to talk about the [...] than the absence of a good one.
Back: Most people are far more likely to talk about the presence of a bad behavior than the absence of a good one.

Front: Most people are far more likely to talk about the presence of a bad behavior than the [...].
Back: Most people are far more likely to talk about the presence of a bad behavior than the absence of a good one.

Front: when people simply fail to be excellent, what usually happens?
Back: it's hard to know what to say

Front: if someone fails to be excellent, what should you do?
Back: establish new and higher exectations

Front: if you want someone to show more initiative, what should you do?
Back: tell him

Front: how can you tell someone to show more initiative?
Back: give specific examples of when the person ran into a barrier and then backed off after a single try

Front: how can you help someone figure out how to be more persistent after bringing up a specific instance?
Back: jointly brainstorm what the person could have done to be both more persistent and more creative in coming up with a solution

Front: [...] to ways you are compensating for someone's lack of initiative.
Back: Pay attention to ways you are compensating for someone's lack of initiative.

Front: Pay attention to ways you are [...] someone's lack of initiative.
Back: Pay attention to ways you are compensating for someone's lack of initiative.

Front: Pay attention to ways you are compensating for someone's [...].
Back: Pay attention to ways you are compensating for someone's lack of initiative.

Front: what can you do instead of asking more than one person to take the same assignment so you can be sure it will get done?
Back: talk to the person originally assigned about reporting progress to you early so you only need to put someone else on the job when there's a clear need for more resources

Front: if you've made yourself responsible for following up about something that's someone else's job, what should you do?
Back: talk to that person about assuming this responsibility

Front: Stop [...] your expectations that others won't take initiative.
Back: Stop acting out your expectations that ohters won't take initiative.

Front: what should you do instead of acting out your expectations that others won't take initiative?
Back: talk your expectations out and come to agreements that place the responsibility on the team members while giving you information early enough that you aren't left high and dry

Front: Some crucial conversations go poorly because you're having the [...].
Back: Some crucial conversations go poorly because you're having the wrong conversations.

Front: if something keeps happening and you continue to return to the original problem (like coming in late) without talking about the new problem (failing to live up to commitments), what are you stuck in?
Back: "Groundhog Day"

Front: when you keep having to talk to people about the same problem, what should you concentrate on?
Back: Learn to Look for patterns and don't focus on a single event

Front: how can you bring up a pattern of behavior?
Back: STATE Your Path by talking about the pattern

Front: why do people often become far more emotional than the issue warrants?
Back: because they're talking about the wrong issue

Front: what can make your emotions seem out of proportion?
Back: if you're really bothered because of a pattern, but you're talking about the latest instance

Front: what interesting thing happens when you hold the right conversation?
Back: your emotions calm down

Front: how will talking about what's really eating at you--the pattern--allow you to be?
Back: more composed and effective

Front: what can make your concern about a pattern seem trivial?
Back: getting pulled into one instance

Front: what is the part about "Never go to bed angry" that's right?
Back: you shouldn't let serious problems go unresolved

Front: what is the part about "Never go to bed angry" that's wrong?
Back: always sticking with a discussion, no matter your emotional state

Front: what is not like silence, and in fact is a very healthy example of dialogue?
Back: coming to mutual agreement to take a time-out

Front: why can it be helpful to take a time-out from a heated discussion?
Back: to dissipate the adrenaline and take time to think about the issues

Front: when is it a good idea to tell others that they need to calm down or that they need to take some time out?
Back: it's usually not a good idea

Front: why is it NOT a good idea to tell others that they need to calm down or that they need to take some time out?
Back: it's hard to do it without coming off as patronizing

Front: with others, what should you do instead of telling them to take time to calm down?
Back: retrace their Path to Action

Front: with "imaginative" people who have lots of excuses, what should you do?
Back: take a preemptive strike against all new excuses

Front: what sort of commitment should you get from "imaginative" people?
Back: a commitment to solve the overall problem, not simply the stated cause

Front: what sort of commitment should you get from an "imaginative" person about fixing his alarm?
Back: to fix the alarm--and anything else that might stand in the way

Front: as excuses accumulate, what should you talk about?
Back: the pattern

Front: as excuses accumulate, what should you NOT talk about?
Back: the most recent excuse

Front: what is the main trouble with insubordination?
Back: it's so rare that it takes most leaders by surprise

Front: because most leaders let insubordination take them by surprise, what do they end up doing?
Back: buying time to figure out what to do

Front: what's wrong with taking time to figure out what to do about insubordination?
Back: in doing so, they let the person get away with something that was way out of line

Front: what's the worst part of letting people get away with insubordination?
Back: the perceived indifference makes them an accomplice to all future abuses

Front: how do parents tend to respond to insubordination when they're caught by surprise?
Back: in kind, becoming angry and insulting

Front: Show [...] for insubordination.
Back: Show zero tolerance for insubordination.

Front: when should you respond to insubordination?
Back: immediately

Front: how should you respond to insubordination?
Back: immediately, but respectfully

Front: how should you change the topic when you encounter insubordination?
Back: from the isuse at hand to how the person is currently acting

Front: what's an example of what to say in response to insubordination?
Back: "I'd like to step away from this scheduling issue for a moment--then we'll come right back to it.  The way you're leaning in toward me and raising your voice seems disrespectful.  I want to help you address your concerns, but I'm going to have a tough time doing so if this continues."

Front: when other people do things that bother us and then we tell ourselves a story about how they're bad and wrong, what are we setting ourselves up for?
Back: an unhealthy conversation

Front: do stories get better left unattended?
Back: no

Front: what happens to stories left unattended?
Back: they ferment

Front: what are we likely to do when we finally talk to the person if we try to leave stories unattended?
Back: eventually we can't take it anymore, and we say something we regret

Front: what is the first way to avoid saying something you regret?
Back: don't repress your story

Front: if you do let a problem build, what should you then do?
Back: set aside a time when you can discuss it in a calm fashion and use your STATE skills

Front: what should you do if you do say something horrible?
Back: apologize

Front: You can't [...], but you can apologize.
Back: You can't unring the bell, but you can apologize.

Front: You can't unring the bell, but you can [...].
Back: You can't unring the bell, but you can apologize.

Front: when people do speak up about sensitive issues, what do they often do?
Back: leap from silence to violence

Front: [...], nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedbackare both indirect and disrespectful.
Back: Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful.

Front: Jokes, [...], and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedbackare both indirect and disrespectful.
Back: Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful.

Front: Jokes, nicknames, and other [...] to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful.
Back: Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful.

Front: Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in [...] are both indirect and disrespectful.
Back: Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful.

Front: Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both [...] and disrespectful.
Back: Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful.

Front: Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and [...].
Back: Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful.

Front: what can you use to help discuss sensitive personal issues?
Back: Contrasting

Front: what do you explain when you Contrast to discuss sensitive personal issues?
Back: that you don't want to hurt the person's feelings, but you do want to share something that could be helpful

Front: what do you need to establish to talk about sensitive personal issues? (principle)
Back: Mutual Purpose

Front: with a sensitive personal issue, what can you let the person know about why you're bringing it up?
Back: that you're reluctant to bring up the issue because of its personal nature, but since the problem is interfering with the person's effectiveness, you really must

Front: Although conversations about sensitive personal issues are [...], they certainly don't have to be offensive or insulting.
Back: Although conversations about sensitive personal issues are never easy, they certainly don't have to be offensive or insulting.

Front: Although conversations about sensitive personal issues are never easy, they certainly don't have to be [...] or insulting.
Back: Although conversations about sensitive personal issues are never easy, they certainly don't have to be offensive or insulting.

Front: Although conversations about sensitive personal issues are never easy, they certainly don't have to be offensive or [...].
Back: Although conversations about sensitive personal issues are never easy, they certainly don't have to be offensive or insulting.

Front: what are people who play word games yet another case of?
Back: pattern over instance

Front: how can you bring up the problem of people playing word games?
Back: tentatively STATE the pattern of splitting hairs and playing word games

Front: what two things should you focus on with people who play word games?
Back: both behaviors and outcomes

Front: why is it problematic to focus on behaviors with people who play word games?
Back: creative people can always find new inappropriate actions

Front: "You didn't say I couldn't call her 'stupid.'"
[...]
Back: "You're hurting your sister's feelings when you call her stupid.  Please don't do that, or anything else that might hurt her feelings."

Front: Leaders who are constantly being surprised [...].
Back: Leaders who are constantly being surprised allow it to happen.

Front: how do most leaders respond the first time an employee says, "Sorry, but I ran into a problem"?
Back: by listening to the problem, working on it, and moving on to a new topic

Front: why is it missing the point to respond to an employee saying "Sorry, but I ran into a problem" by addressing the problem?
Back: in doing so, you're saying "It's okay to surprise me.  If you have a legitimate excuse, stop what you're doing, turn your efforts to something else, and then wait until I show up to spring the news."

Front: what are the acceptable paths when you've given an employee an assignment?
Back: employees need to complete the assignment as planned, or if they run into a problem, they need to immediately inform you

Front: if employees decide that another job needs to be done instead of what you told them to do, what should they do?
Back: call you

Front: the first time someone comes back with a legitimate excuse--but he or she didn't tell you when the problem first came up--what should you do?
Back: deal with this as the new problem and clarify the "so surprises" rule

Front: what sentences can you say to clarify the "no surprises" rule after it hasn't been followed?
Back: "We agreed that you'd let me know immediately.  I didn't get a call. What happened?"

Front: when you look at the continuum of dialogue skills, where do most of us fall?
Back: in the middle

Front: if it seems like someone you know has almost no skills at dialogue because you don't see them using them, what possibility should you consider?
Back: maybe you bring out the worst in him

Front: where do you start with someone who is pretty bad at dialogue all the time and with most everyone?
Back: choose your target carefully by considering two dimensions

Front: what two dimensions should you consider about the target to address with someone who's bad at dialogue?
Back: (1) What bothers you the most?
(2) What might be the easiest to work on?

Front: once you've considered the two dimensions, how do you proceed with picking a target to address with someone who's bad at dialogue?
Back: pick one element and work on it

Front: what's an example of bringing up dialogue skills with someone?
"I l i w w'r f f t e o. I'd l t h t f m f b u.  T a a c o t I'd l t t a t I'm p c w h u w t.  C w t?"
Back: "I love it when we're feeling friendly toward each other. I'd like to have that feeling more frequently between us.  There are a couple of things I'd like to talk about that I'm pretty convinced would help us with that.  Can we talk?"

Front: why is it easy to implement meeting skills?
Back: meetings are evident and predictable

Front: [...] don't come with notices and reminders.
Back: High-risk discussions don't come with notices and reminders.

Front: High-risk discussions don't come with [...] and reminders.
Back: High-risk discussions don't come with notices and reminders.

Front: High-risk discussions don't come with notices and [...].
Back: High-risk discussions don't come with notices and reminders.

Front: more often that not, how do high-risk discussions come up?
Back: as unwelcome surprises

Front: The more you [...], the less likely you are to think about how you're conducting yourself.
Back: The more you care about what's happening, the less likely you are to think about how you're conducting yourself.

Front: The more you care about what's happening, the less likely you are to [...].
Back: The more you care about what's happening, the less likely you are to think about how you're conducting yourself.

Front: what three factors make it hard to change our behavior in crucial conversations?
Back: surprise, emotion, and scripts

Front: what are scripts?
Back: prebundled phrases we use in common conversations

Front: what form the very foundation of social habits?
Back: scripts

Front: what will often make conversational change almost impossible?
Back: scripts

Front: what do predetermined expressions do to us?
Back: they put us into a sort of mental autopilot

Front: [...], you know both sides of a conversation.
Back: With a script, you know both sides of a conversation.

Front: With a script, you know [...] of a conversation.
Back: With a script, you know both sides of a conversation.

Front: what is the good news about packing around scripts?
Back: you don't have to give conversation much thought

Front: what's the bad news about scripted conversations?
Back: the more scripted an interaction, the more difficult it is to pull yourself out of the routine and try something new

Front: [...] take us across known territory at a comfortable pace--freeing our brains for more novel work.
Back: Scripts take us across known territory at a comfortable pace--freeing our brains for more novel work.

Front: Scripts take us across [...] at a comfortable pace--freeing our brains for more novel work.
Back: Scripts take us across known territory at a comfortable pace--freeing our brains for more novel work.

Front: Scripts take us across known territory at a [...]--freeing our brains for more novel work.
Back: Scripts take us across known territory at a comfortable pace--freeing our brains for more novel work.

Front: Scripts take us across known territory at a comfortable pace--[...] for more novel work.
Back: Scripts take us across known territory at a comfortable pace--freeing our brains for more novel work.

Front: Scripts take us across known territory at a comfortable pace--freeing our brains for [...].
Back: Scripts take us across known territory at a comfortable pace--freeing our brains for more novel work.

Front: when you examine people working through crucial conversations, how do they appear?
Back: they look a lot more like racehorses charging out of the gate than human beings making choices

Front: [...] are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.
Back: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.

Front: Conversationalists are [...] by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.
Back: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.

Front: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by [...], whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.
Back: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.

Front: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, [...] by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.
Back: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.

Front: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by [...] and [...], and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.
Back: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.

Front: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and [...] by scripts that offer few if any options.
Back: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.

Front: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by [...].
Back: Conversationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any options.

Front: [...]:
1. master the content
2. master the skills
3. enhance your motive
4. watch for cues
Back: four principles for turning ideas into action:
1. master the content
2. master the skills
3. enhance your motive
4. watch for cues

Front: four principles for turning ideas into action:
1. [...]
2. master the skills
3. enhance your motive
4. watch for cues
Back: four principles for turning ideas into action:
1. master the content
2. master the skills
3. enhance your motive
4. watch for cues

Front: four principles for turning ideas into action:
1. master the content
2. [...]
3. enhance your motive
4. watch for cues
Back: four principles for turning ideas into action:
1. master the content
2. master the skills
3. enhance your motive
4. watch for cues

Front: four principles for turning ideas into action:
1. master the content
2. master the skills
3. [...]
4. watch for cues
Back: four principles for turning ideas into action:
1. master the content
2. master the skills
3. enhance your motive
4. watch for cues

Front: four principles for turning ideas into action:
1. master the content
2. master the skills
3. enhance your motive
4. [...]
Back: four principles for turning ideas into action:
1. master the content
2. master the skills
3. enhance your motive
4. watch for cues

Front: what does it mean to master the crucial conversations content?
Back: not only do you have to be able to recognize what works and why, but you have to be able to generate new scripts of your own

Front: what does it mean to master the crucial conversations skills?
Back: understanding isn't enough--you have to be able to say the right words with the right tone and nonverbal actions

Front: what does it mean to enhance your motive in crucial conversations?
Back: you have to care enough about improving your crucial conversation skills to actually do something

Front: [...] without motive lies dormant and untapped.
Back: Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped.

Front: Ability without [...] lies dormant and untapped.
Back: Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped.

Front: Ability without motive lies [...] and untapped.
Back: Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped.

Front: Ability without motive lies dormant and [...].
Back: Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped.

Front: what must we deal with to watch for cues in crucial conversations?
Back: overome surprise, emotions, and scripts and recognize the call to action

Front: what is usually people's biggest obstacle to change in crucual conversations?
Back: recognizing the call to action

Front: [...] generate old responses.
Back: Old stimuli generate old responses.

Front: Old stimuli generate [...].
Back: Old stimuli generate old responses.

Front: what will happen if a problem doesn't cue your new skills?
Back: you'll return to your old habits without even realizing you missed a chance to try something new

Front: how can you take your understanding of crucial conversation principles to the next level?
Back: talking about the material with other people

Front: if you really want to master the crucial conversations material, how can you do that?
Back: teach it to someone else

Front: [...]:
1. rehearse with a friend
2. practice on the fly
3. practice in a training session
Back: three ways to master the crucial conversations skills:
1. rehearse with a friend
2. practice on the fly
3. practice in a training session

Front: three ways to master the crucial conversations skills:
1. [...]
2. practice on the fly
3. practice in a training session
Back: three ways to master the crucial conversations skills:
1. rehearse with a friend
2. practice on the fly
3. practice in a training session

Front: three ways to master the crucial conversations skills:
1. rehearse with a friend
2. [...]
3. practice in a training session
Back: three ways to master the crucial conversations skills:
1. rehearse with a friend
2. practice on the fly
3. practice in a training session

Front: three ways to master the crucial conversations skills:
1. rehearse with a friend
2. practice on the fly
3. [...]
Back: three ways to master the crucial conversations skills:
1. rehearse with a friend
2. practice on the fly
3. practice in a training session

Front: [...]:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"
Back: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"

Front: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. [...]
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"
Back: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"

Front: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. [...]
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"
Back: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"

Front: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. [...]
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"
Back: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"

Front: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. [...]
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"
Back: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"

Front: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. [...]
6. think "things"
Back: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"

Front: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. [...]
Back: ways to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations:
1. apply incentives
2. apply disincentives
3. go public
4. talk with your boss
5. remember the costs; focus on the reward
6. think "things"

Front: every time you deftly hold a crucial conversation (or just see improvement), what can you do?
Back: celebrate your victory

Front: how can you go public to enhance your motive to improve your crucial conversations?
Back: let others know what you're doing and why to get social pressure working in your favor

Front: as you step up to a crucial conversation and wonder if it's really worth trying out something new and untested, what should you do?
Back: remind yourself why you're trying the new skills in the first place

Front: how can you remind yourself why you're trying new crucial conversations skills in the first place?
Back: focus on improved results and remember what happens when you fall back on your old methods

Front: what can you arm yourself with to help you step up to tough crucial conversations effectively?
Back: smart timing and material support

Front: [...]:
1. mark hot spots
2. set aside a time
3. read reactions
4. build in permanent reminders
5. carry a reminder
Back: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. mark hot spots
2. set aside a time
3. read reactions
4. build in permanent reminders
5. carry a reminder

Front: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. [...]
2. set aside a time
3. read reactions
4. build in permanent reminders
5. carry a reminder
Back: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. mark hot spots
2. set aside a time
3. read reactions
4. build in permanent reminders
5. carry a reminder

Front: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. mark hot spots
2. [...]
3. read reactions
4. build in permanent reminders
5. carry a reminder
Back: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. mark hot spots
2. set aside a time
3. read reactions
4. build in permanent reminders
5. carry a reminder

Front: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. mark hot spots
2. set aside a time
3. [...]
4. build in permanent reminders
5. carry a reminder
Back: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. mark hot spots
2. set aside a time
3. read reactions
4. build in permanent reminders
5. carry a reminder

Front: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. mark hot spots
2. set aside a time
3. read reactions
4. [...]
5. carry a reminder
Back: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. mark hot spots
2. set aside a time
3. read reactions
4. build in permanent reminders
5. carry a reminder

Front: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. mark hot spots
2. set aside a time
3. read reactions
4. build in permanent reminders
5. [...]
Back: ways to build in crucial conversation cues:
1. mark hot spots
2. set aside a time
3. read reactions
4. build in permanent reminders
5. carry a reminder

Front: what's a hot spot?
Back: a mark on a physical item to remind you to do something, like a small red circle on your steering wheel

Front: what's an example of using a hot spot to help with crucial conversations?
Back: build a cue into your copy of the agenda of any meeting that typically serves up tough problems

Front: what is perhaps the best way to remind yourself to use your new crucial conversations skills?
Back: set aside a time each day to walk around in search of both successses and problems

Front: if you're not doing a good job of holding crucial conversations, how will you know?
Back: the results are going to be right in front of you

Front: if you see that you're getting off track in a crucial conversation, what should you do?
Back: back up and start over

Front: what should serve as a reminder to try new crucial conversation tactics?
Back: real-life cues, like the other person's jaw tensing or the other person clamming up

Front: what should you do if you see real-life cues, like the other person's jaw tensing or the other person clamming up?
Back: remind yourself that maybe it's time to try a new tactic